It's the start of the holidays. Gotta feel happy right? Well, I'll try to. At least. I can't help but feel depressed every time I'm on this blog. So many unhappy memories. Darn.
I guess what I can do is to do what bloggers do on their blog and write about their lives.
*Puts on Happy Mask*
HELLO BLOGGERS. What's up peeps !! Lately I've been busy with school work and especially the previous Free Day for our class at Sentosa !
I had a great time planning with some of my friends in the commitee !! We had fun deviously scheming all the activities and games for the class. Feedback was that they had fun !
Right now, I'm quite busy with trainings. I'd rather spend every day tiring myself out with sports that I love. I'm really going to try my best and play the sports well !!
I wish they'd have basketball instead... Damn.
Anyways, I'll be busy with trainings. And church activities. And my own plans for the holidays. Yay.
Until I find the time to blog again. Peace out y'all.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
It's been a while.
I haven't blogged in a few months I know. Been busy and what not. Guess what. I joined softball again. Hopefully, this time it'll work out. The main reason, however, is that I just didn't have the feeling. It's been a while. Dang. Hope I can remember how I used to blog.
Anyways, updates on stuffs. I'm doing quite well in volleyball. As for academics not too bad. Passable, but not doing that great.
Yesterday, a van burst into flames in the carpark below my house. I could hear the explosion. It was not easy calming myself down. It was such a terrible feeling. Pillars of billowing smoke rose up to the high heavens. The air was thick and smoky. The Rhino arrived in no time at all. In 3 minutes, the rhino and the police came. After around half an hour, the police tapes were removed. I didn't think it'll happen so quickly. So efficient. I don't think there was any casualty. What remained from this incident was the mere skeleton of the vehicle and marks on the walls. I was glad that the heat wasn't enough to ignite the whole carpark ablaze. That would have been many casualties...
Asides all that, I have kept with me tons pieces of paper containing all my heinous thoughts. I don't know what to do with them. I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel so useless. I can't even guide my sister well. I really don't know what to do with my life. I have no ambition. No nothing. Jack of all trades, but master of none. It's really crappy. Sigh. What can I do now ?
Teacher's day is just round the corner and I can't help but feel a tad sad. I like my form teacher. She's nice. But Miss Mia is leaving... So yeah. I don't know. My form teacher is charming and witty. Why doesn't she have a boyfriend yet ? You know, I want to be her friend. Not as a student, but a friend. But of course. I'm almost half her age. She probably has better options. I'm sorry that I don't tell you anything. Not telling anyone anything anymore. Cause if this problem is for me, I probably have the resources to contain it. I'm sorry. But gradually, these things do cause me pain. I'm sorry. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm tired and when the time is right, you won't see me no more.
Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't blog. It's probably not my thing.
Anyways, updates on stuffs. I'm doing quite well in volleyball. As for academics not too bad. Passable, but not doing that great.
Yesterday, a van burst into flames in the carpark below my house. I could hear the explosion. It was not easy calming myself down. It was such a terrible feeling. Pillars of billowing smoke rose up to the high heavens. The air was thick and smoky. The Rhino arrived in no time at all. In 3 minutes, the rhino and the police came. After around half an hour, the police tapes were removed. I didn't think it'll happen so quickly. So efficient. I don't think there was any casualty. What remained from this incident was the mere skeleton of the vehicle and marks on the walls. I was glad that the heat wasn't enough to ignite the whole carpark ablaze. That would have been many casualties...
Asides all that, I have kept with me tons pieces of paper containing all my heinous thoughts. I don't know what to do with them. I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel so useless. I can't even guide my sister well. I really don't know what to do with my life. I have no ambition. No nothing. Jack of all trades, but master of none. It's really crappy. Sigh. What can I do now ?
Teacher's day is just round the corner and I can't help but feel a tad sad. I like my form teacher. She's nice. But Miss Mia is leaving... So yeah. I don't know. My form teacher is charming and witty. Why doesn't she have a boyfriend yet ? You know, I want to be her friend. Not as a student, but a friend. But of course. I'm almost half her age. She probably has better options. I'm sorry that I don't tell you anything. Not telling anyone anything anymore. Cause if this problem is for me, I probably have the resources to contain it. I'm sorry. But gradually, these things do cause me pain. I'm sorry. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm tired and when the time is right, you won't see me no more.
Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't blog. It's probably not my thing.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
7th of June
Damn. It's already the beginning of June. The first half of the year is almost gone. Dang it. I haven't done anything productive. So far, I can't even remember my grades.
Exam Results:
E Maths - A1
A Maths - A1
Physics - A1
Chemistry - B3/4
Combined Humans - B3/4
English - B3/4
Higher Mother Tongue- E8
Percentage: 69.4%
L1R5: 13
Ain't that fantastic. Well, to my other schoolmates, they might. Honestly, I was really surprised that my mum never said anything much about it. I guess. But. I still can't get the fact that she ever thought I wasn't trying hard enough. She even mentioned that if I had no intention of studying, she'd just sign me up straight to be one of those HDB block cleaners straightaway. Approval is hard to attain, you know ? Maybe if you're me, you'd understand, but what are the chances that you would, right?
I know that I'm not supposed to feel any negative thoughts, since I am a Christian and I had been baptized. Who knew being a person was so difficult. Well, not to say anything much, but I do respect being a Christian, but it's tough when I have to fit in with society, as well as the burden of being the good little girl in a Christian congregation. I've never spoken much cause I was meek, but by being someone who's always so good, makes it impossible for me to explore. Huh. Guess it's not written in the Bible that I can explore and be a human myself. Sigh. Guess it's time for me to "revert" back to the girl in a Christian family.
I realize that when you're the good kid, eventually, you'll get tired of being good. Sigh. I guess that's just me huh.
Yesterday was the 6th. One by one, the month passes by. Oh well. Gotta move on.
I fell in love with the song "A Little Piece of Heaven" but Avenged Sevenfold. It's a heavy metal band. Goodness. But just loving the chorus. :) Other than that, I think I'm not allowed to actually read or visualize cause it's probably N16 anyways. But the chorus is just plain awesome.
Today is the first day I don't need to go out of the house for what not. The whole first week of the school holidays were packed with extra classes.
Anyways, today was slacky. Like. Seriously. But. When I'm left alone like that, I tend to get emo easily. Like today. I wanted to cut so bad.
Actually.
Nevermind.
I wouldn't want anyone to bother so much anyways, especially not those who care about me. It'll make them worry more. I don't want people to worry about me.
Shall stop ranting. Well, nonsense about of what-not. That's the end. Goodbye.
Exam Results:
E Maths - A1
A Maths - A1
Physics - A1
Chemistry - B3/4
Combined Humans - B3/4
English - B3/4
Higher Mother Tongue- E8
Percentage: 69.4%
L1R5: 13
Ain't that fantastic. Well, to my other schoolmates, they might. Honestly, I was really surprised that my mum never said anything much about it. I guess. But. I still can't get the fact that she ever thought I wasn't trying hard enough. She even mentioned that if I had no intention of studying, she'd just sign me up straight to be one of those HDB block cleaners straightaway. Approval is hard to attain, you know ? Maybe if you're me, you'd understand, but what are the chances that you would, right?
I know that I'm not supposed to feel any negative thoughts, since I am a Christian and I had been baptized. Who knew being a person was so difficult. Well, not to say anything much, but I do respect being a Christian, but it's tough when I have to fit in with society, as well as the burden of being the good little girl in a Christian congregation. I've never spoken much cause I was meek, but by being someone who's always so good, makes it impossible for me to explore. Huh. Guess it's not written in the Bible that I can explore and be a human myself. Sigh. Guess it's time for me to "revert" back to the girl in a Christian family.
I realize that when you're the good kid, eventually, you'll get tired of being good. Sigh. I guess that's just me huh.
Yesterday was the 6th. One by one, the month passes by. Oh well. Gotta move on.
I fell in love with the song "A Little Piece of Heaven" but Avenged Sevenfold. It's a heavy metal band. Goodness. But just loving the chorus. :) Other than that, I think I'm not allowed to actually read or visualize cause it's probably N16 anyways. But the chorus is just plain awesome.
Today is the first day I don't need to go out of the house for what not. The whole first week of the school holidays were packed with extra classes.
Anyways, today was slacky. Like. Seriously. But. When I'm left alone like that, I tend to get emo easily. Like today. I wanted to cut so bad.
Actually.
Nevermind.
I wouldn't want anyone to bother so much anyways, especially not those who care about me. It'll make them worry more. I don't want people to worry about me.
Shall stop ranting. Well, nonsense about of what-not. That's the end. Goodbye.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Unnoticed scars.
A person who has committed suicide has had at least something to end. He must know joy to know misery. I have known nothing. Why live? Why die? One is an equal choice to the other. ... It takes tolerance not to give in to death. –Vivienne Loomis, journal, April 11, 1973
Well. I know. It's just. Death is inevitable isn't it ? I don't see the reason not to die. It's a see-saw, balancing the will to live and the will to die.
Honestly, I don't know. Haven't been sleeping well lately, that's for sure. Tons of things perpetually on my mind. I really don't know how to deal with that. Well, when my birthday had passed and I started to be happy actually, cause, for once, my parents paid attention to me. It sickens and yet saddens me to see my parents, only noticing my existence when there's a reminder for them somehow. What about all the other times ? Can we do something else instead of leaving each to their own device ? Sure, we are lazy, but we do want to spend time, like trips to walk together ? I don't know anymore. Really.
Right now, I think my teachers are pretty darn cool. I don't know how. But the younger they are, the more fun they get. They tend to be more understanding and fun. I don't know. It seems weird as well, but well, yeah.
My exams just passed. I think I'd score well for A maths ? But I'm not getting my hopes up for the others. Anyway, these few days, I keep on looking at the ring and somehow, just feel like putting it on my finger. I don't know. I'm going crazy.
I made a promise. To my teacher. To tell her whenever I feel suicidal. Well, I've come to terms that I have, in fact been suicidal. In some form. Kinda I guess. I don't know. I've always been like that, just lately, I'm losing control but I'll be secretly depressed again. I don't know why. You know, sometimes, I just have that thought to push myself off a staircase. Have a concussion and never wake up again. Or get into a car crash and die. I'd never want to jump down. It's too gory. Especially, for my little sister. I don't want her to be left with a sad impression. I'd rather take killing myself, into a form of accident. You can blame neither party, now can you ? Every single night I want to tell you what I feel, yet. Sigh.
Just because you don't see the scars doesn't mean that they don't exist. I've found other ways, other places, to let me release myself. The blade is the brush, my skin the canvas, and blood like paint. It's a warped world I seem to live in, yet, it makes sense to me. How many times have I promised people not to cut, and yet I still do ? Even if they're not tired, I'm tired of me as well. I'm sorry. I'm different. I'm not like you. I am weird and I'll go away if you ask me to.
I'm sorry I can't keep promises.
Sorry.
Well. I know. It's just. Death is inevitable isn't it ? I don't see the reason not to die. It's a see-saw, balancing the will to live and the will to die.
Honestly, I don't know. Haven't been sleeping well lately, that's for sure. Tons of things perpetually on my mind. I really don't know how to deal with that. Well, when my birthday had passed and I started to be happy actually, cause, for once, my parents paid attention to me. It sickens and yet saddens me to see my parents, only noticing my existence when there's a reminder for them somehow. What about all the other times ? Can we do something else instead of leaving each to their own device ? Sure, we are lazy, but we do want to spend time, like trips to walk together ? I don't know anymore. Really.
Right now, I think my teachers are pretty darn cool. I don't know how. But the younger they are, the more fun they get. They tend to be more understanding and fun. I don't know. It seems weird as well, but well, yeah.
My exams just passed. I think I'd score well for A maths ? But I'm not getting my hopes up for the others. Anyway, these few days, I keep on looking at the ring and somehow, just feel like putting it on my finger. I don't know. I'm going crazy.
I made a promise. To my teacher. To tell her whenever I feel suicidal. Well, I've come to terms that I have, in fact been suicidal. In some form. Kinda I guess. I don't know. I've always been like that, just lately, I'm losing control but I'll be secretly depressed again. I don't know why. You know, sometimes, I just have that thought to push myself off a staircase. Have a concussion and never wake up again. Or get into a car crash and die. I'd never want to jump down. It's too gory. Especially, for my little sister. I don't want her to be left with a sad impression. I'd rather take killing myself, into a form of accident. You can blame neither party, now can you ? Every single night I want to tell you what I feel, yet. Sigh.
Just because you don't see the scars doesn't mean that they don't exist. I've found other ways, other places, to let me release myself. The blade is the brush, my skin the canvas, and blood like paint. It's a warped world I seem to live in, yet, it makes sense to me. How many times have I promised people not to cut, and yet I still do ? Even if they're not tired, I'm tired of me as well. I'm sorry. I'm different. I'm not like you. I am weird and I'll go away if you ask me to.
I'm sorry I can't keep promises.
Sorry.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
OneMonth.
It's been a month. So quick. A month since I bade you goodbye. I'm sorry. I mean. I guess I just felt stressed. A lot of things were happening. I'm in Sec 3 express now. It's no time for fun and games. There are O Levels next year. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the chance. Should've just kept quiet. Sigh. I'll just stop okay. Try to think that I like someone else. Maybe I already do. Just. I don't know. Lose hope perhaps.
You know I read the letter for the supposed 2nd month before my CL oral yesterday. Somehow, I just did. I don't know why, but I did. Sigh. Perhaps, just maybe. No. It can't be. Perish that thought, Shanice. It's just too dangerous for you to even think about it anymore. I'm supposed to be a straight girl. But it was kinda funny today. Cause Pearlyn and a few of your friends were trying to pull you to geography, but you resisted, and made me go to the wrong class ! Actually, I want to be friends, but it's just too hard for me to forget. Sigh.
Today is a tuesday... Well, on Saturday, I kinda got into a fight with Miss Tan. I felt so bad. I mean. She's the nicest teacher I've ever had. And I felt the parental love somehow from her. She unfollowed me on twitter after our "fight". Honestly, I felt bad. Texted her immediately. This is a friendship I don't intend to lose, especially with a teacher. She influenced me so much. First of all, cats. Then, Snapple. Then, her catchphrase - "Nonsense !" I just feel so happy when she's around. First time I'm so close to a teacher. Perhaps, I shall aspire to be a teacher in the future ? Well, it's kind of possible ! :) But it saddened me when she seemed so hostile. I'm really sorry. Did I offend you somehow? Sigh. I'll never know. I'll try to act more aloof around her. Perhaps, I shouldn't think about how to cheer and be friends with a teacher. It's possibly just too dangerous to be with teachers. Thank god she didn't tell my mum about me cutting yet. Though, I did a while ago. I mean, you can't expect it to be instantaneous. I can't have her finding things out, yet some part of me actually wants that. WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING.
Last night, I was on the phone. With my best friend. I guess I can call her that, but then again, I can't now, can I? Considering that you've many best friends. I'm okay with it and all, but just felt a little less than my "friendship status" with you in school. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Just felt I can't talk to you more than a couple of minutes in between classes and maybe catch a glimpse of you after school. Well, back to yesterday. I called and we talked on the phone. It felt good, yet I felt hurt at the same time. Having to relive the nightmares, one by one. The screaming. The shouting. Oh god. The horrors. Those are moments I never want to even think about anymore. Just living through it once is enough. Ha. It made me happy though. That finally, you'll understand me. Just maybe, but it's worth a try. I'm glad you texted me saying that you're happy as well that I finally opened up to you. Honestly, most of my life has already been inscribed on this blog. Maybe, I'll have a better life after blogging ?
Last Friday, we had Awards Day. I was the emcee with Russell. Wow. Actually, turns out I didn't do as badly as I thought, though I probably said Miss Tan's name a tad too loud ! Anyways, a few people came and congratulated me that night and the Monday after ! We took a class photo too ! It was so fun emceeing ! I came home like a drunkard cause I haven't been sleeping well the few days before. I lost most of my senses already. Actually, I kinda like being an emcee. I will become one someday ~ HERE'S OUR PICTURE, THE LOVELIEST AND AWESOMEST 3G (WITHOUT TEACHERS). <3
Mid years are coming. I'm like sleeping in all my classes. Sigh. What to do ? Sigh. Oh well. Guess I'll stay awake soon ? There's gonna be CE tomorrow. I don't mind actually. I like it when Miss Tan talks in class. I just like it somehow. Damn. Make me sound like a creep. But really. It's cool. She's more of a friend, rather than a teacher. I hope it'll continue to be that way. LOL.
Wish me luck. For whatever is left of me.
Cheeseballheart
You know I read the letter for the supposed 2nd month before my CL oral yesterday. Somehow, I just did. I don't know why, but I did. Sigh. Perhaps, just maybe. No. It can't be. Perish that thought, Shanice. It's just too dangerous for you to even think about it anymore. I'm supposed to be a straight girl. But it was kinda funny today. Cause Pearlyn and a few of your friends were trying to pull you to geography, but you resisted, and made me go to the wrong class ! Actually, I want to be friends, but it's just too hard for me to forget. Sigh.
Today is a tuesday... Well, on Saturday, I kinda got into a fight with Miss Tan. I felt so bad. I mean. She's the nicest teacher I've ever had. And I felt the parental love somehow from her. She unfollowed me on twitter after our "fight". Honestly, I felt bad. Texted her immediately. This is a friendship I don't intend to lose, especially with a teacher. She influenced me so much. First of all, cats. Then, Snapple. Then, her catchphrase - "Nonsense !" I just feel so happy when she's around. First time I'm so close to a teacher. Perhaps, I shall aspire to be a teacher in the future ? Well, it's kind of possible ! :) But it saddened me when she seemed so hostile. I'm really sorry. Did I offend you somehow? Sigh. I'll never know. I'll try to act more aloof around her. Perhaps, I shouldn't think about how to cheer and be friends with a teacher. It's possibly just too dangerous to be with teachers. Thank god she didn't tell my mum about me cutting yet. Though, I did a while ago. I mean, you can't expect it to be instantaneous. I can't have her finding things out, yet some part of me actually wants that. WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING.
Last night, I was on the phone. With my best friend. I guess I can call her that, but then again, I can't now, can I? Considering that you've many best friends. I'm okay with it and all, but just felt a little less than my "friendship status" with you in school. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Just felt I can't talk to you more than a couple of minutes in between classes and maybe catch a glimpse of you after school. Well, back to yesterday. I called and we talked on the phone. It felt good, yet I felt hurt at the same time. Having to relive the nightmares, one by one. The screaming. The shouting. Oh god. The horrors. Those are moments I never want to even think about anymore. Just living through it once is enough. Ha. It made me happy though. That finally, you'll understand me. Just maybe, but it's worth a try. I'm glad you texted me saying that you're happy as well that I finally opened up to you. Honestly, most of my life has already been inscribed on this blog. Maybe, I'll have a better life after blogging ?
Last Friday, we had Awards Day. I was the emcee with Russell. Wow. Actually, turns out I didn't do as badly as I thought, though I probably said Miss Tan's name a tad too loud ! Anyways, a few people came and congratulated me that night and the Monday after ! We took a class photo too ! It was so fun emceeing ! I came home like a drunkard cause I haven't been sleeping well the few days before. I lost most of my senses already. Actually, I kinda like being an emcee. I will become one someday ~ HERE'S OUR PICTURE, THE LOVELIEST AND AWESOMEST 3G (WITHOUT TEACHERS). <3
Mid years are coming. I'm like sleeping in all my classes. Sigh. What to do ? Sigh. Oh well. Guess I'll stay awake soon ? There's gonna be CE tomorrow. I don't mind actually. I like it when Miss Tan talks in class. I just like it somehow. Damn. Make me sound like a creep. But really. It's cool. She's more of a friend, rather than a teacher. I hope it'll continue to be that way. LOL.
Wish me luck. For whatever is left of me.
Cheeseballheart
Friday, March 30, 2012
TpC
Teacher Parent Conference. Imagine if you were the positive pole of a magnet, and you were told that under no circumstances were you allowed to touch that negative pole that was sucking you in like a black hole. Or if you crawled out of the desert and found a woman standing with a pitcher of ice water, but she held it out of your reach. Imagine jumping off a building, and then being told not to fall. That's what it feels like whenever I want to cut.
I don't know why, but every time I blog, there's a sense of insecurity and yet I still blog my feelings out. It's like my life is dangling on a thin piece of rope. Every time I share my feelings out, by blogging or talking about it, it feels like I let of some weight, and desperately surviving each bitter minute. And yet, I don't like troubling people with my problems so yeah. I'll stop telling them about problems gradually. I'll stop talking even. I know people care about me, but I really don't deserve this. Really I don't. Why must I feel so depressed all the time? I hate it that I have to make people worry about me. I hate it that I can't be normal for once. Why can't I?
Today's Teacher Parent Conference. I hate this event every year. I find that I have a home personality and school personality. So when the event combines the parents and teachers, I find it disturbingly nerve-wrecking and uneasy. I don't know why. I don't want my parents to know anything about my school. They didn't let me decide my own stuffs. Heck, I can't even go out with friends without prior booking. Why can't they be more flexible? How is it that last time without proper policemen and other security forces that parents let their children stay overnight, whereas in this era, many parents are just too over-protective. I'd have preferred keeping it as fast as possible and without loads of talking. Really. I just want to learn to be independent.
How does it feel to have friends who go out all the time? Friends who can stay overnight and go out late? Friends who can buy things and go shopping? Really. How does it feel? I want to have a social life. But it's tough. All I can say is, I don't fit in. People my age can go out. Me? I am the girl who stays home, the girl who's got so little clothes, the girl who's weird.
For once, let me be the popular girl, the girl who people like. The one who's cool and funny. The one who's always smiling. The strong one who never cries. The one who's always there for everyone else. Can't I be who I want to be? Please?
There are many things that I want to be. But I'm just another worthless piece of life, so why bother?
I'll die soon. Just wait. When the time is up, I will.
I don't know why, but every time I blog, there's a sense of insecurity and yet I still blog my feelings out. It's like my life is dangling on a thin piece of rope. Every time I share my feelings out, by blogging or talking about it, it feels like I let of some weight, and desperately surviving each bitter minute. And yet, I don't like troubling people with my problems so yeah. I'll stop telling them about problems gradually. I'll stop talking even. I know people care about me, but I really don't deserve this. Really I don't. Why must I feel so depressed all the time? I hate it that I have to make people worry about me. I hate it that I can't be normal for once. Why can't I?
Today's Teacher Parent Conference. I hate this event every year. I find that I have a home personality and school personality. So when the event combines the parents and teachers, I find it disturbingly nerve-wrecking and uneasy. I don't know why. I don't want my parents to know anything about my school. They didn't let me decide my own stuffs. Heck, I can't even go out with friends without prior booking. Why can't they be more flexible? How is it that last time without proper policemen and other security forces that parents let their children stay overnight, whereas in this era, many parents are just too over-protective. I'd have preferred keeping it as fast as possible and without loads of talking. Really. I just want to learn to be independent.
How does it feel to have friends who go out all the time? Friends who can stay overnight and go out late? Friends who can buy things and go shopping? Really. How does it feel? I want to have a social life. But it's tough. All I can say is, I don't fit in. People my age can go out. Me? I am the girl who stays home, the girl who's got so little clothes, the girl who's weird.
For once, let me be the popular girl, the girl who people like. The one who's cool and funny. The one who's always smiling. The strong one who never cries. The one who's always there for everyone else. Can't I be who I want to be? Please?
There are many things that I want to be. But I'm just another worthless piece of life, so why bother?
I'll die soon. Just wait. When the time is up, I will.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Unknown feelings.
I had a talk with a teacher on Wednesday. She was so nice and patient. I don't think my parents have ever been that nice to me before. I know it's sounds impossible, like parents must have been better or stuff, but honestly, no one has treated me with so much patience. My mum never tested me on spelling, she'd ask me to memorize them and test them myself. I never protested. She always told me that there were 2 rules, one -she was always right and two, if she's wrong, refer to rule number one. Somehow, unknowingly those did become my rules. Looked upon her as my guide, one to lead me through life, then, somewhere, I felt kind of neglected.
In 2009, just before the oral exams for my PSLE, my parents fought. No, it's not a calm one. It's quite chaotic. I've lost count of the number of times I came to church or to school with swollen eyes, tired from all the chaos at home. I found a safe haven at school, where I'd have friends who understood me, stood by me and were there for me. All of that protection wore off gradually as we graduated from school.
I know that I'm only fifteen this year, I haven't reached the prime of my life yet, but really, I don't see myself in the future. I don't see myself getting past tomorrow and I haven't even thought about life after today. Perhaps, I was never meant to be alive for this long. Or maybe I'm just attention seeking, but I always feel better when I talk to someone. But you know what's pathetic, the one who knows all my inner secrets is my teddy bear.
He's been with me all my life. He's my best friend, one that would never leave me, ever since I was born. But still, why can't I confide elsewhere ? Am I just born wrong ? Perhaps I was never meant to be born. Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I am just a mere background character. I don't have any will or purpose to live, so why should I ?
Want to know something ? I'm afraid I'll have depression. Maybe it's just a normal pms thing, but what if it's not ? I don't know what to do. My parents would look at me in disappointment and failure. I mean, I'm the eldest, as well as the one my parents has higher hopes on me. Why can't I enjoy life ? Don't you know even if you don't say it directly, or emphasize on it, I can feel you wanting to show off saying, "My child has done so well in her studies ! I'm so proud of her," Maybe that's what all I wanted, is to make my parents proud. Maybe I'm just adding pressure to myself. I don't know. I'm unsure of what to think anymore.
You know, it's easier to assume. Rather than have the sad truth explode out. Everytime I try my hardest, it's never enough. Why ? Why ain't I a genius ? I can't take the pressure but I don't want to let anyone down. You think it's easy when your parents aren't on good terms and you're the go-between ? When they have problems, they look for me instead of their spouse. You know how I feel when your parents just say, I'm only staying for the kids, I don't feel any love anymore. You know how that feels ? Do you ?
To some people, this may seen so easy and no big deal. We have different ranges of stress and pressure that we can handle. I happen to have low tolerance. From my dad, I'll get angry easily and violently, from my mom, I just can't stop complaining. I'm sorry for being born this way. I'm sorry for cutting, but that's how I release the stress. Everyday, I'll resist the temptation to stay clean. But I'll find a way. The physical pain would heal, but the emotional wounds may never heal. Anyway, I feel depressed. Literally. If I have depression, I'm gonna kill myself. Trust me, I thought of many ways to kill myself without being known, I can make suicide seem like murder. Believe me, I can.
But not yet, cause there's plenty of chance for me to do that. I know what to do, and how. No worries. When I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna take down all your problems with me as well, so that you'll have a worry free life.
I will die one day. So why not now ?
In 2009, just before the oral exams for my PSLE, my parents fought. No, it's not a calm one. It's quite chaotic. I've lost count of the number of times I came to church or to school with swollen eyes, tired from all the chaos at home. I found a safe haven at school, where I'd have friends who understood me, stood by me and were there for me. All of that protection wore off gradually as we graduated from school.
I know that I'm only fifteen this year, I haven't reached the prime of my life yet, but really, I don't see myself in the future. I don't see myself getting past tomorrow and I haven't even thought about life after today. Perhaps, I was never meant to be alive for this long. Or maybe I'm just attention seeking, but I always feel better when I talk to someone. But you know what's pathetic, the one who knows all my inner secrets is my teddy bear.
He's been with me all my life. He's my best friend, one that would never leave me, ever since I was born. But still, why can't I confide elsewhere ? Am I just born wrong ? Perhaps I was never meant to be born. Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I am just a mere background character. I don't have any will or purpose to live, so why should I ?
Want to know something ? I'm afraid I'll have depression. Maybe it's just a normal pms thing, but what if it's not ? I don't know what to do. My parents would look at me in disappointment and failure. I mean, I'm the eldest, as well as the one my parents has higher hopes on me. Why can't I enjoy life ? Don't you know even if you don't say it directly, or emphasize on it, I can feel you wanting to show off saying, "My child has done so well in her studies ! I'm so proud of her," Maybe that's what all I wanted, is to make my parents proud. Maybe I'm just adding pressure to myself. I don't know. I'm unsure of what to think anymore.
You know, it's easier to assume. Rather than have the sad truth explode out. Everytime I try my hardest, it's never enough. Why ? Why ain't I a genius ? I can't take the pressure but I don't want to let anyone down. You think it's easy when your parents aren't on good terms and you're the go-between ? When they have problems, they look for me instead of their spouse. You know how I feel when your parents just say, I'm only staying for the kids, I don't feel any love anymore. You know how that feels ? Do you ?
To some people, this may seen so easy and no big deal. We have different ranges of stress and pressure that we can handle. I happen to have low tolerance. From my dad, I'll get angry easily and violently, from my mom, I just can't stop complaining. I'm sorry for being born this way. I'm sorry for cutting, but that's how I release the stress. Everyday, I'll resist the temptation to stay clean. But I'll find a way. The physical pain would heal, but the emotional wounds may never heal. Anyway, I feel depressed. Literally. If I have depression, I'm gonna kill myself. Trust me, I thought of many ways to kill myself without being known, I can make suicide seem like murder. Believe me, I can.
But not yet, cause there's plenty of chance for me to do that. I know what to do, and how. No worries. When I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna take down all your problems with me as well, so that you'll have a worry free life.
I will die one day. So why not now ?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)