TpC

Teacher Parent Conference. Imagine if you were the positive pole of a magnet, and you were told that under no circumstances were you allowed to touch that negative pole that was sucking you in like a black hole. Or if you crawled out of the desert and found a woman standing with a pitcher of ice water, but she held it out of your reach. Imagine jumping off a building, and then being told not to fall. That's what it feels like whenever I want to cut.

I don't know why, but every time I blog, there's a sense of insecurity and yet I still blog my feelings out. It's like my life is dangling on a thin piece of rope. Every time I share my feelings out, by blogging or talking about it, it feels like I let of some weight, and desperately surviving each bitter minute. And yet, I don't like troubling people with my problems so yeah. I'll stop telling them about problems gradually. I'll stop talking even. I know people care about me, but I really don't deserve this. Really I don't. Why must I feel so depressed all the time? I hate it that I have to make people worry about me. I hate it that I can't be normal for once. Why can't I?

Today's Teacher Parent Conference. I hate this event every year. I find that I have a home personality and school personality. So when the event combines the parents and teachers, I find it disturbingly nerve-wrecking and uneasy. I don't know why. I don't want my parents to know anything about my school. They didn't let me decide my own stuffs. Heck, I can't even go out with friends without prior booking. Why can't they be more flexible? How is it that last time without proper policemen and other security forces that parents let their children stay overnight, whereas in this era, many parents are just too over-protective. I'd have preferred keeping it as fast as possible and without loads of talking. Really. I just want to learn to be independent.

How does it feel to have friends who go out all the time? Friends who can stay overnight and go out late? Friends who can buy things and go shopping? Really. How does it feel? I want to have a social life. But it's tough. All I can say is, I don't fit in. People my age can go out. Me? I am the girl who stays home, the girl who's got so little clothes, the girl who's weird.

For once, let me be the popular girl, the girl who people like. The one who's cool and funny. The one who's always smiling. The strong one who never cries. The one who's always there for everyone else. Can't I be who I want to be? Please?

There are many things that I want to be. But I'm just another worthless piece of life, so why bother?

I'll die soon. Just wait. When the time is up, I will.

Unknown feelings.

I had a talk with a teacher on Wednesday. She was so nice and patient. I don't think my parents have ever been that nice to me before. I know it's sounds impossible, like parents must have been better or stuff, but honestly, no one has treated me with so much patience. My mum never tested me on spelling, she'd ask me to memorize them and test them myself. I never protested. She always told me that there were 2 rules, one -she was always right and two, if she's wrong, refer to rule number one. Somehow, unknowingly those did become my rules. Looked upon her as my guide, one to lead me through life, then, somewhere, I felt kind of neglected.

In 2009, just before the oral exams for my PSLE, my parents fought. No, it's not a calm one. It's quite chaotic. I've lost count of the number of times I came to church or to school with swollen eyes, tired from all the chaos at home. I found a safe haven at school, where I'd have friends who understood me, stood by me and were there for me. All of that protection wore off gradually as we graduated from school.

I know that I'm only fifteen this year, I haven't reached the prime of my life yet, but really, I don't see myself in the future. I don't see myself getting past tomorrow and I haven't even thought about life after today. Perhaps, I was never meant to be alive for this long. Or maybe I'm just attention seeking, but I always feel better when I talk to someone. But you know what's pathetic, the one who knows all my inner secrets is my teddy bear.

He's been with me all my life. He's my best friend, one that would never leave me, ever since I was born. But still, why can't I confide elsewhere ? Am I just born wrong ? Perhaps I was never meant to be born. Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I am just a mere background character. I don't have any will or purpose to live, so why should I ?

Want to know something ? I'm afraid I'll have depression. Maybe it's just a normal pms thing, but what if it's not ? I don't know what to do. My parents would look at me in disappointment and failure. I mean, I'm the eldest, as well as the one my parents has higher hopes on me. Why can't I enjoy life ? Don't you know even if you don't say it directly, or emphasize on it, I can feel you wanting to show off saying, "My child has done so well in her studies ! I'm so proud of her," Maybe that's what all I wanted, is to make my parents proud. Maybe I'm just adding pressure to myself. I don't know. I'm unsure of what to think anymore.

You know, it's easier to assume. Rather than have the sad truth explode out. Everytime I try my hardest, it's never enough. Why ? Why ain't I a genius ? I can't take  the pressure but I don't want to let anyone down. You think it's easy when your parents aren't on good terms and you're the go-between ? When they have problems, they look for me instead of their spouse. You know how I feel when your parents just say, I'm only staying for the kids, I don't feel any love anymore. You know how that feels ? Do you ?

To some people, this may seen so easy and no big deal. We have different ranges of stress and pressure that we can handle. I happen to have low tolerance. From my dad, I'll get angry easily and violently, from my mom, I just can't stop complaining. I'm sorry for being born this way. I'm sorry for cutting, but that's how I release the stress. Everyday, I'll resist the temptation to stay clean. But I'll find a way. The physical pain would heal, but the emotional wounds may never heal. Anyway, I feel depressed. Literally. If I have depression, I'm gonna kill myself. Trust me, I thought of many ways to kill myself without being known, I can make suicide seem like murder. Believe me, I can.

But not yet, cause there's plenty of chance for me to do that. I know what to do, and how. No worries. When I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna take down all your problems with me as well, so that you'll have a worry free life.

I will die one day. So why not now ?

Insanity.

I felt like throwing my phone away. Honestly. I don't know what to do with myself. Sigh. I give up with myself already. I'm afraid that I 'd go back into the same patterns of cutting and being so emo. Goddamnit. I don't wanna feel this way. Damn. So emo. Especially during a March holiday. Completely moodless. That just sucks.

Anyway, my grandad passed away on the 16 Feb 2012. Ain't that fantastic. Oh. And I've pretty much given up on everything else. I've lost all the vigour for volleyball. The burning flame of passion has died. The want to have friends died along with everything else. I don't wanna do anything anymore. Am I supposed to feel this way ? I don't wanna be so emo all the time. I swear. I feel like dying. Maybe that'll solve all my problems. Maybe that's the problem. I'm just not needed on earth. Perhaps, I am just an extra. One just to take up space and maybe just waste my life around. Despair has completely overwhelmed my heart. I don't know what to do anymore. One day, when I can't take it, I'll probably kill myself. The only thing that's stopping me now is the fact that I want to go to heaven, not hell.

Have you ever imagined yourself getting killed or wounding up in a hospital ? I feel like doing that, just to see who really cares and who doesn't. Or maybe, I just want to lose all my memories. Be it happy or sad. Everything. Gone. Erased. Done.

How does it feel to have everything around you, everything that you've built up, from words and memories to turn out to be a lie. A lie for your whole life. Gosh. I don't know. I don't know. But I have to be strong. I need to be. That's the job of being the eldest child. When your parents don't love each other as much as they did before, all their problems, which has to be shared amongst the 2 of them, is doubled onto the shoulders of the eldest child. No matter at what age, being the eldest child means that you have to know better, but still. I want my teenage age good times, looking back at these memories and say, Good times, instead of, I wish I'd done that.

Knowing someone actually gives a fuck about you is one of my favourite things in the world. Really. I don't know actually. Maybe inside, I'm just an attention deprived whore behind this other facade. I don't know. And when you ask me if I'm okay, I wouldn't know what to reply. I honestly don't know.

If I had a choice, I'd gladly give my living time for someone who needs it rather than life wasted on someone who just doesn't appreciate it just as much. I'd say.

Yknow, I actually like my form teacher this year. She's the nicest teacher and most influential, ever since my primary school teacher. I can still remember my Mrs R making jokes, saying, I don't want you to come back like those crazy people who cut their wrists. Some even cut it all around the whole wrist. I remembered myself laughing at that scene. Who would've thought that would've been me in the future ? I had completely given up on finding close friends. Just. I don't know. I'll just keep a distance.

I do worry about myself. But what can I do. I want to be seen and heard. But I don't want everybody to know and look at me from a different perspective henceforth. Why can't going out in society be like, 'Oh. It's just me and some friends. I can be myself.' But can you. I can't. I think I need help. But. I don't want cause I care too much about how people would look at me. Sometimes, I wish I'd never been born. Certain things were just not meant to be.

Last point, out of honesty. If you like her so much to everytime go out with her, I have nothing to say but get her to set for you. I have no words to say to that. Every time you go out with them, I'll just say, oh. You can just get them to play with you, since there's not much of a bond anymore. So why not just forget it ?

So. What do you want from me now ?