Coming out.

I don't know how to say this, but I think I may be a butch. I mean, I'm not too sure... Just maybe. Gosh. I'm dead if my parents found out about this... :( Sigh. I think I like a girl. I mean seriously. GOD. Slowly, I'm falling deeper in love with her... All I can think about is being with her all day long. MY GOODNESS. I cannot do that. I won't do that.

Sigh. I can't express how much I like her. Really. I am  girl and all, but all I want is to become the guy side of the relationship. I want to hug her. Give her security and warmth. Tell her she's beautiful. Bring her out to do all her favourite stuffs. I don't mind. Whatever thing she wants to do. All I want is just to spend more time. Is that wrong? I mean. I like girls. Hmm. That's kind of wrong. I'm not too sure. Sigh. Society would look down on me. All I want is to be accepted. But of course. I can't go out yet.

It's killing me. Her hair. Her laugh. Her character. My goodness. I can't ! I mustn't ! I must stay strong. I just realized, everytime, during the holidays, I will get close to a particular group of people. That's when I'll make the best of time and start bonding. It all depends with who I hang out with. My goodness. All I want is to be normal. In this society. Sigh. I want to be normal. But I can't help it if I like a girl. I promise you, I will be the best guy ever. I'll do anything you want. I can be whatever you want me to be. I am confident that I can hold you tight when you're scared, cheer you up when you're upset, hug you, when you need a hug. I can be all that. But I need to have the courage. :( That's all I'm lacking.

My god. I am seriously a butch. Sigh. I really am. :( I can't help it.

Well, I guess I'm dead. Sigh. But I will become the wall for you to lean back on. If you need me, I'll be here. I'll catch and piece back together every single piece of any broken heart and slowly put them back together. I'll be here.

Because, you're like the air that I breathe, I can't live without you... :)

XOXOXOXOXOXOX :)

Holidays.

Dang it. The holidays are here. All I want is to go out but Amelia and Pauline got work. :( Damn it. Sigh. I am confused with myself. I don't know what I want. I don't like them, I like them. I look at them, my blood boil. Dang it. I swear, I will have war with softballers. I don't care. I dislike them. Softball and volleyball just don't match with each other. Sigh. The holidays just started. Actually, almost 2 weeks already. I avoid softballers. I see them, it makes me mad. You know what else hurts ? Knowing that your best friend is in softball. I just want to have a normal "Hi, bye" relationship, but everytime I see them, I want to storm off and break something. SERIOUSLY. GODDAMNIT.

Oh. Today I saw Qin En, Angie, Marilyn, Rachel and don't know who else. Even though they never do anything to me, I FEEL DAMN FUCKED UP K. Wah. I swear. Somemore Qin En say never see me. UGH. Don't like her. HMPFH. Not gonna talk to her. :( Sigh. It's complicated. You know, there's a little bit of love in every hate and a little bit of hate in every love? I finally understood that. I loved softball so much that now, it has been replaced with hate. And now, I will never change that feeling. I just want to destroy them. Sigh. I still want to crush everybody's dream. I AM GETTING EVIL-ER BY THE DAY !!! :O Gosh. If this continues, I might just want to rule the world !!! :P LOL. Not gonna happen.

I am starting to like volleyball more. Now, I just need to control my strength. I can serve float ball already ! Very HAPPY. :D But then, I don't like Coach ley. He today. See his own original batch from Outram that come to play friendly match. Wow. Cannot stop singing praises one. Like that. HMPFH. And I don't like he everytime say I got pattern. You know how annoying it is? I, for once, would prefer if we had the friendly attitude, not the "you're just my coach" kind of attitude. I get so freaking jealous over everything. I hate myself. Might as well die then okay.

UGH. I swear. If I can't even maintain my friendship with Qin En, I might as well go bang wall and die. Like seriously. UGH. I am such a terrible friend. :( I am ashamed of myself. I'm so sorry. I just don't like to see softballers. They make my blood boil. It's like smelling a foul smell, I just want to get away as far as I can and as fast as I can. :( I'm sorry for being this way. I just want to be myself. I can't help it. I just treasure my friends a lot. I would do anything for them. Seriously. I am just a mere girl. I can't help my traits. I'm sorry. I'm so terrible. GAHHH. I can go bang wall already. :(

Sigh. I just don't want the same mistake to happen again. Cause I know, if the friendship is over, I'm gonna hate you. For life. Oh well. It's not the present. But if it's you, I'm pretty sure I won't. :) Hopefully.

I wonder if Andrea found this yet. Damn it. It's been so long since her birthday. Don't tell me, she really didn't figure it out. Seriously. She didn't shade the other page ? Or did she throw the card already. Maybe, just maybe she has forgotten about it. Oh well. Maybe that way it's better. Cause I'm not sure I can look at her without feeling anger. Or pissed just cause she's a softballer. UGH.

DAMNIT. I DON'T WANT SOFTBALL TO RUIN THE FRIENDSHIP I HAVE WITH MY FRIENDS OVER THERE. Well, some of them are mere peers or much more of acquaintances and schoolmates. Sigh. I don't want to think anymore. I will cut again. Seriously. :(

Good night.

Ugh.

I am fucked up. I don't like her. Damn it. I was great friends with her before. Fuck. Don't let me see your fucking face. Knn. I swear. Seriously. I was best friends with Alyaa okay. I can swear. I was too nice. I fucking swear bitch. You know what? Next time, well, there won't be no next time. You know who I'm talking about okay. If you see this, best we don't meet. You have Alyaa. I was too nice. I let go of something so dear to me. I was nice. I was being fair cause you were friends first. I let go cause I didn't want her to be in the middle. I was being nice okay. I let go too soon. I want her back. You bitch. I just wanted you guys to be happy. Even if we meet, you don't have move away do far. Seriously. You made me damn pissed. I mean. I gave her up. I was so nice. I lost so many friends too. I swear. I won't be so nice anymore. Asshole. Don't know how to appreciate. I don't wanna see you guys anymore. I've given up on Alyaa and everyone else. Just let me have one more day with Andrea. That's the only thing I miss.

One thing I don't understand is that you don't have twitter. How the hell did you know about my tweet ? Got spy is it ? Confirm from the other class I say to you. I can roughly guess who. Bitch. I didn't actually hate you, I said it cause I was kinda pissed off by seeing you guys together. Made me more pissed off after you walk away. Then me fucking pissed off by time you guys walked away. Damn it. Now, after see your status, I hate you more. Like seriously.

I won't have anything to do with them anymore. Swear. I won't text, won't see, won't care. Sorry bitch your name ain't in my dictionary. Fuck you. _|_

Well. I don't want bother with you guys. But watch it. I'm starting to hate all of you. Oh. In case you haven't noticed, I take friendships very carefully and treasure them. Be careful. You might just ... Oh well. I have an amazing imagination. Haha. See you bitches eating my dust ~ Now it's no longer more than one. Suck on it cunts and twats. Don't care who anymore. To me, you're all dead.

Volleyball today.

Sigh. Today we played volleyball at ZHPS. I was kinda happy and excited before that ~ But then I was kinda depressed after. I was like so sad. Cause we played with jerks. Damn. I don't like them. I don't like Zhonghua kids. My sister was bullied last year by jerks from ZhongHua. She was the new kid. I'm like. So upset cause my sister came home crying one day last year. Damn. I'm so sad. Sigh. I remembered that. Sad. And then there was this annoying kid. At the side. He pointed middle finger to one of my teammates. I got fed up. Damn. So pissed. Little kids. So fucked up. :(

Played with Celine today ~ She's so nice ~ :D I LIKE SIAH. SHE'S SO NICE !!! TEEHEE. :D

Awkward though. Before we started to get to know each other~~~ Tralalalalalalalala~~~ :D 

I AM HYPAAAAAHHHHH~ TEEHEE. :D

Sigh. I am going to let all the feelings out tomorrow during training ~ :/ YOU'RE ALL DOOMED ~~~ >:D