Holidays.

It's the start of the holidays. Gotta feel happy right? Well, I'll try to. At least. I can't help but feel depressed every time I'm on this blog. So many unhappy memories. Darn.

I guess what I can do is to do what bloggers do on their blog and write about their lives.

*Puts on Happy Mask*

HELLO BLOGGERS. What's up peeps !! Lately I've been busy with school work and especially the previous Free Day for our class at Sentosa !

I had a great time planning with some of my friends in the commitee !! We had fun deviously scheming all the activities and games for the class. Feedback was that they had fun !

Right now, I'm quite busy with trainings. I'd rather spend every day tiring myself out with sports that I love. I'm really going to try my best and play the sports well !!

I wish they'd have basketball instead... Damn.

Anyways, I'll be busy with trainings. And church activities. And my own plans for the holidays. Yay.

Until I find the time to blog again. Peace out y'all.

It's been a while.

I haven't blogged in a few months I know. Been busy and what not. Guess what. I joined softball again. Hopefully, this time it'll work out. The main reason, however, is that I just didn't have the feeling. It's been a while. Dang. Hope I can remember how I used to blog.

Anyways, updates on stuffs. I'm doing quite well in volleyball. As for academics not too bad. Passable, but not doing that great.

Yesterday, a van burst into flames in the carpark below my house. I could hear the explosion. It was not  easy calming myself down. It was such a terrible feeling. Pillars of billowing smoke rose up to the high heavens. The air was thick and smoky. The Rhino arrived in no time at all. In 3 minutes, the rhino and the police came. After around half an hour, the police tapes were removed. I didn't think it'll happen so quickly. So efficient. I don't think there was any casualty. What remained from this incident was the mere skeleton of the vehicle and marks on the walls. I was glad that the heat wasn't enough to ignite the whole carpark ablaze. That would have been many casualties...

Asides all that,  I have kept with me tons pieces of paper containing all my heinous thoughts. I don't know what to do with them. I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel so useless. I can't even guide my sister well. I really don't know what to do with my life. I have no ambition. No nothing. Jack of all trades, but master of none. It's really crappy. Sigh. What can I do now ?

Teacher's day is just round the corner and I can't help but feel a tad sad. I like my form teacher. She's nice. But Miss Mia is leaving... So yeah. I don't know. My form teacher is charming and witty. Why doesn't she have a boyfriend yet ? You know, I want to be her friend. Not as a student, but a friend. But of course. I'm almost half her age. She probably has better options. I'm sorry that I don't tell you anything. Not telling anyone anything anymore. Cause if this problem is for me, I probably have the resources to contain it. I'm sorry. But gradually, these things do cause me pain. I'm sorry. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm tired and when the time is right, you won't see me no more.

Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't blog. It's probably not my thing.

7th of June

Damn. It's already the beginning of June. The first half of the year is almost gone. Dang it. I haven't done anything productive. So far, I can't even remember my grades.

Exam Results:
E Maths - A1
A Maths - A1
Physics - A1
Chemistry - B3/4
Combined Humans - B3/4
English - B3/4
Higher Mother Tongue- E8
Percentage: 69.4%
L1R5: 13

Ain't that fantastic. Well, to my other schoolmates, they might. Honestly, I was really surprised that my mum never said anything much about it. I guess. But. I still can't get the fact that she ever thought I wasn't trying hard enough. She even mentioned that if I had no intention of studying, she'd just sign me up straight to be one of those HDB block cleaners straightaway. Approval is hard to attain, you know ? Maybe if you're me, you'd understand, but what are the chances that you would, right?

I know that I'm not supposed to feel any negative thoughts, since I am a Christian and I had been baptized. Who knew being a person was so difficult. Well, not to say anything much, but I do respect being a Christian, but it's tough when I have to fit in with society, as well as the burden of being the good little girl in a Christian congregation. I've never spoken much cause I was meek, but by being someone who's always so good, makes it impossible for me to explore. Huh. Guess it's not written in the Bible that I can explore and be a human myself. Sigh. Guess it's time for me to "revert" back to the girl in a Christian family.

I realize that when you're the good kid, eventually, you'll get tired of being good. Sigh. I guess that's just me huh.

Yesterday was the 6th. One by one, the month passes by. Oh well. Gotta move on.

I fell in love with the song "A Little Piece of Heaven" but Avenged Sevenfold. It's a heavy metal band. Goodness. But just loving the chorus. :) Other than that, I think I'm not allowed to actually read or visualize cause it's probably N16 anyways. But the chorus is just plain awesome.

Today is the first day I don't need to go out of the house for what not. The whole first week of the school holidays were packed with extra classes.

Anyways, today was slacky. Like. Seriously. But. When I'm left alone like that, I tend to get emo easily. Like today. I wanted to cut so bad.

Actually.

Nevermind.

I wouldn't want anyone to bother so much anyways, especially not those who care about me. It'll make them worry more. I don't want people to worry about me.

Shall stop ranting. Well, nonsense about of what-not. That's the end. Goodbye.

Unnoticed scars.

A person who has committed suicide has had at least something to end. He must know joy to know misery. I have known nothing. Why live? Why die? One is an equal choice to the other. ... It takes tolerance not to give in to death. –Vivienne Loomis, journal, April 11, 1973

Well. I know. It's just. Death is inevitable isn't it ? I don't see the reason not to die. It's a see-saw, balancing the will to live and the will to die.

Honestly, I don't know. Haven't been sleeping well lately, that's for sure. Tons of things perpetually on my mind. I really don't know how to deal with that. Well, when my birthday had passed and I started  to be happy actually, cause, for once, my parents paid attention to me. It sickens and yet saddens me to see my parents, only noticing my existence when there's a reminder for them somehow. What about all the other times ? Can we do something else instead of leaving each to their own device ? Sure, we are lazy, but we do want to spend time, like trips to walk together ? I don't know anymore. Really.

Right now, I think my teachers are pretty darn cool. I don't know how. But the younger they are, the more fun they get. They tend to be more understanding and fun. I don't know. It seems weird as well, but well, yeah.

My exams just passed. I think I'd score well for A maths ? But I'm not getting my hopes up for the others. Anyway, these few days, I keep on looking at the ring and somehow, just feel like putting it on my finger. I don't know. I'm going crazy.

I made a promise. To my teacher. To tell her whenever I feel suicidal. Well, I've come to terms that I have, in fact been suicidal. In some form. Kinda I guess. I don't know. I've always been like that, just lately, I'm losing control but I'll be secretly depressed again. I don't know why. You know, sometimes, I just have that thought to push myself off a staircase. Have a concussion and never wake up again. Or get into a car crash and die. I'd never want to jump down. It's too gory. Especially, for my little sister. I don't want her to be left with a sad impression. I'd rather take killing myself, into a form of accident. You can blame neither party, now can you ? Every single night I want to tell you what I feel, yet. Sigh.

Just because you don't see the scars doesn't mean that they don't exist. I've found other ways, other places, to let me release myself. The blade is the brush, my skin the canvas, and blood like paint. It's a warped world I seem to live in, yet, it makes sense to me. How many times have I promised people not to cut, and yet I still do ? Even if they're not tired, I'm tired of me as well. I'm sorry. I'm different. I'm not like you. I am weird and I'll go away if you ask me to.

I'm sorry I can't keep promises.

Sorry.

OneMonth.

It's been a month. So quick. A month since I bade you goodbye. I'm sorry. I mean. I guess I just felt stressed. A lot of things were happening. I'm in Sec 3 express now. It's no time for fun and games. There are O Levels next year. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the chance. Should've just kept quiet. Sigh. I'll just stop okay. Try to think that I like someone else. Maybe I already do. Just. I don't know. Lose hope perhaps.

You know I read the letter for the supposed 2nd month before my CL oral yesterday. Somehow, I just did. I don't know why, but I did. Sigh. Perhaps, just maybe. No. It can't be. Perish that thought, Shanice. It's just too dangerous for you to even think about it anymore. I'm supposed to be a straight girl. But it was kinda funny today. Cause Pearlyn and a few of your friends were trying to pull you to geography, but you resisted, and made me go to the wrong class ! Actually, I want to be friends, but it's just too hard for me to forget. Sigh.

Today is a tuesday... Well, on Saturday, I kinda got into a fight with Miss Tan. I felt so bad. I mean. She's the nicest teacher I've ever had. And I felt the parental love somehow from her. She unfollowed me on twitter after our "fight". Honestly, I felt bad. Texted her immediately. This is a friendship I don't intend to lose, especially with a teacher. She influenced me so much. First of all, cats. Then, Snapple. Then, her catchphrase - "Nonsense !" I just feel so happy when she's around. First time I'm so close to a teacher. Perhaps, I shall aspire to be a teacher in the future ? Well, it's kind of possible ! :) But it saddened me when she seemed so hostile. I'm really sorry. Did I offend you somehow? Sigh. I'll never know. I'll try to act more aloof around her. Perhaps, I shouldn't think about how to cheer and be friends with a teacher. It's possibly just too dangerous to be with teachers. Thank god she didn't tell my mum about me cutting yet. Though, I did a while ago. I mean, you can't expect it to be instantaneous. I can't have her finding things out, yet some part of me actually wants that. WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING.

Last night, I was on the phone. With my best friend. I guess I can call her that, but then again, I can't now, can I? Considering that you've many best friends. I'm okay with it and all, but just felt a little less than my "friendship status" with you in school. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Just felt I can't talk to you more than a couple of minutes in between classes and maybe catch a glimpse of you after school. Well, back to yesterday. I called and we talked on the phone. It felt good, yet I felt hurt at the same time.  Having to relive the nightmares, one by one. The screaming. The shouting. Oh god. The horrors. Those are moments I never want to even think about anymore. Just living through it once is enough. Ha. It made me happy though. That finally, you'll understand me. Just maybe, but it's worth a try. I'm glad you texted me saying that you're happy as well that I finally opened up to you. Honestly, most of my life has already been inscribed on this blog. Maybe, I'll have a better life after blogging ?

Last Friday, we had Awards Day. I was the emcee with Russell. Wow. Actually, turns out I didn't do as badly as I thought, though I probably said Miss Tan's name a tad too loud ! Anyways, a few people came and congratulated me that night and the Monday after ! We took a class photo too ! It was so fun emceeing ! I came home like a drunkard cause I haven't been sleeping well the few days before. I lost most of my senses already. Actually, I kinda like being an emcee. I will become one someday ~  HERE'S OUR PICTURE, THE LOVELIEST AND AWESOMEST 3G (WITHOUT TEACHERS). <3

Mid years are coming. I'm like sleeping in all my classes. Sigh. What to do ? Sigh. Oh well. Guess I'll stay awake soon ? There's gonna be CE tomorrow. I don't mind actually. I like it when Miss Tan talks in class. I just like it somehow. Damn. Make me sound like a creep. But really. It's cool. She's more of a friend, rather than a teacher. I hope it'll continue to be that way. LOL.

Wish me luck. For whatever is left of me.

Cheeseballheart

TpC

Teacher Parent Conference. Imagine if you were the positive pole of a magnet, and you were told that under no circumstances were you allowed to touch that negative pole that was sucking you in like a black hole. Or if you crawled out of the desert and found a woman standing with a pitcher of ice water, but she held it out of your reach. Imagine jumping off a building, and then being told not to fall. That's what it feels like whenever I want to cut.

I don't know why, but every time I blog, there's a sense of insecurity and yet I still blog my feelings out. It's like my life is dangling on a thin piece of rope. Every time I share my feelings out, by blogging or talking about it, it feels like I let of some weight, and desperately surviving each bitter minute. And yet, I don't like troubling people with my problems so yeah. I'll stop telling them about problems gradually. I'll stop talking even. I know people care about me, but I really don't deserve this. Really I don't. Why must I feel so depressed all the time? I hate it that I have to make people worry about me. I hate it that I can't be normal for once. Why can't I?

Today's Teacher Parent Conference. I hate this event every year. I find that I have a home personality and school personality. So when the event combines the parents and teachers, I find it disturbingly nerve-wrecking and uneasy. I don't know why. I don't want my parents to know anything about my school. They didn't let me decide my own stuffs. Heck, I can't even go out with friends without prior booking. Why can't they be more flexible? How is it that last time without proper policemen and other security forces that parents let their children stay overnight, whereas in this era, many parents are just too over-protective. I'd have preferred keeping it as fast as possible and without loads of talking. Really. I just want to learn to be independent.

How does it feel to have friends who go out all the time? Friends who can stay overnight and go out late? Friends who can buy things and go shopping? Really. How does it feel? I want to have a social life. But it's tough. All I can say is, I don't fit in. People my age can go out. Me? I am the girl who stays home, the girl who's got so little clothes, the girl who's weird.

For once, let me be the popular girl, the girl who people like. The one who's cool and funny. The one who's always smiling. The strong one who never cries. The one who's always there for everyone else. Can't I be who I want to be? Please?

There are many things that I want to be. But I'm just another worthless piece of life, so why bother?

I'll die soon. Just wait. When the time is up, I will.

Unknown feelings.

I had a talk with a teacher on Wednesday. She was so nice and patient. I don't think my parents have ever been that nice to me before. I know it's sounds impossible, like parents must have been better or stuff, but honestly, no one has treated me with so much patience. My mum never tested me on spelling, she'd ask me to memorize them and test them myself. I never protested. She always told me that there were 2 rules, one -she was always right and two, if she's wrong, refer to rule number one. Somehow, unknowingly those did become my rules. Looked upon her as my guide, one to lead me through life, then, somewhere, I felt kind of neglected.

In 2009, just before the oral exams for my PSLE, my parents fought. No, it's not a calm one. It's quite chaotic. I've lost count of the number of times I came to church or to school with swollen eyes, tired from all the chaos at home. I found a safe haven at school, where I'd have friends who understood me, stood by me and were there for me. All of that protection wore off gradually as we graduated from school.

I know that I'm only fifteen this year, I haven't reached the prime of my life yet, but really, I don't see myself in the future. I don't see myself getting past tomorrow and I haven't even thought about life after today. Perhaps, I was never meant to be alive for this long. Or maybe I'm just attention seeking, but I always feel better when I talk to someone. But you know what's pathetic, the one who knows all my inner secrets is my teddy bear.

He's been with me all my life. He's my best friend, one that would never leave me, ever since I was born. But still, why can't I confide elsewhere ? Am I just born wrong ? Perhaps I was never meant to be born. Maybe I was a mistake. Maybe I am just a mere background character. I don't have any will or purpose to live, so why should I ?

Want to know something ? I'm afraid I'll have depression. Maybe it's just a normal pms thing, but what if it's not ? I don't know what to do. My parents would look at me in disappointment and failure. I mean, I'm the eldest, as well as the one my parents has higher hopes on me. Why can't I enjoy life ? Don't you know even if you don't say it directly, or emphasize on it, I can feel you wanting to show off saying, "My child has done so well in her studies ! I'm so proud of her," Maybe that's what all I wanted, is to make my parents proud. Maybe I'm just adding pressure to myself. I don't know. I'm unsure of what to think anymore.

You know, it's easier to assume. Rather than have the sad truth explode out. Everytime I try my hardest, it's never enough. Why ? Why ain't I a genius ? I can't take  the pressure but I don't want to let anyone down. You think it's easy when your parents aren't on good terms and you're the go-between ? When they have problems, they look for me instead of their spouse. You know how I feel when your parents just say, I'm only staying for the kids, I don't feel any love anymore. You know how that feels ? Do you ?

To some people, this may seen so easy and no big deal. We have different ranges of stress and pressure that we can handle. I happen to have low tolerance. From my dad, I'll get angry easily and violently, from my mom, I just can't stop complaining. I'm sorry for being born this way. I'm sorry for cutting, but that's how I release the stress. Everyday, I'll resist the temptation to stay clean. But I'll find a way. The physical pain would heal, but the emotional wounds may never heal. Anyway, I feel depressed. Literally. If I have depression, I'm gonna kill myself. Trust me, I thought of many ways to kill myself without being known, I can make suicide seem like murder. Believe me, I can.

But not yet, cause there's plenty of chance for me to do that. I know what to do, and how. No worries. When I can't take it anymore, I'm gonna take down all your problems with me as well, so that you'll have a worry free life.

I will die one day. So why not now ?

Insanity.

I felt like throwing my phone away. Honestly. I don't know what to do with myself. Sigh. I give up with myself already. I'm afraid that I 'd go back into the same patterns of cutting and being so emo. Goddamnit. I don't wanna feel this way. Damn. So emo. Especially during a March holiday. Completely moodless. That just sucks.

Anyway, my grandad passed away on the 16 Feb 2012. Ain't that fantastic. Oh. And I've pretty much given up on everything else. I've lost all the vigour for volleyball. The burning flame of passion has died. The want to have friends died along with everything else. I don't wanna do anything anymore. Am I supposed to feel this way ? I don't wanna be so emo all the time. I swear. I feel like dying. Maybe that'll solve all my problems. Maybe that's the problem. I'm just not needed on earth. Perhaps, I am just an extra. One just to take up space and maybe just waste my life around. Despair has completely overwhelmed my heart. I don't know what to do anymore. One day, when I can't take it, I'll probably kill myself. The only thing that's stopping me now is the fact that I want to go to heaven, not hell.

Have you ever imagined yourself getting killed or wounding up in a hospital ? I feel like doing that, just to see who really cares and who doesn't. Or maybe, I just want to lose all my memories. Be it happy or sad. Everything. Gone. Erased. Done.

How does it feel to have everything around you, everything that you've built up, from words and memories to turn out to be a lie. A lie for your whole life. Gosh. I don't know. I don't know. But I have to be strong. I need to be. That's the job of being the eldest child. When your parents don't love each other as much as they did before, all their problems, which has to be shared amongst the 2 of them, is doubled onto the shoulders of the eldest child. No matter at what age, being the eldest child means that you have to know better, but still. I want my teenage age good times, looking back at these memories and say, Good times, instead of, I wish I'd done that.

Knowing someone actually gives a fuck about you is one of my favourite things in the world. Really. I don't know actually. Maybe inside, I'm just an attention deprived whore behind this other facade. I don't know. And when you ask me if I'm okay, I wouldn't know what to reply. I honestly don't know.

If I had a choice, I'd gladly give my living time for someone who needs it rather than life wasted on someone who just doesn't appreciate it just as much. I'd say.

Yknow, I actually like my form teacher this year. She's the nicest teacher and most influential, ever since my primary school teacher. I can still remember my Mrs R making jokes, saying, I don't want you to come back like those crazy people who cut their wrists. Some even cut it all around the whole wrist. I remembered myself laughing at that scene. Who would've thought that would've been me in the future ? I had completely given up on finding close friends. Just. I don't know. I'll just keep a distance.

I do worry about myself. But what can I do. I want to be seen and heard. But I don't want everybody to know and look at me from a different perspective henceforth. Why can't going out in society be like, 'Oh. It's just me and some friends. I can be myself.' But can you. I can't. I think I need help. But. I don't want cause I care too much about how people would look at me. Sometimes, I wish I'd never been born. Certain things were just not meant to be.

Last point, out of honesty. If you like her so much to everytime go out with her, I have nothing to say but get her to set for you. I have no words to say to that. Every time you go out with them, I'll just say, oh. You can just get them to play with you, since there's not much of a bond anymore. So why not just forget it ?

So. What do you want from me now ?

270112

FML. We won one match against Bukit Merah but lost to Queensway today. I can't believe it. Do my seniors seriously have no feeling ? They won't cry ? Sigh. I don't know. I cried after the whole thing. I have been crying more often lately cause of volleyball. Everynight before a game, I'll just cry. I am not entirely sure why, but I break down mostly in volleyball.

Today, Queensway was strong. I can't help but say they were. I'm sorry. I did my best, but it just wasn't enough. Sigh. Why can't I be better ?

Don't you just hate it when you give your everything, but you end up with almost nothing.

I cried after the match. Wanna know why I was so nervous ? Cause my teacher asked me to visualize. I did. And got so scared. I couldn't sleep at night. I was terrified. And then. This happened. We lost to Queesnsway single digits. I'm not proud of it, but if that's the case, I'm sorry. I know it's definitely my fault. My heart was beating like a hamster when the games started. I didn't give up. I SWEAR. I didn't. Up till the end of the game. Sigh. I don't wanna do anything.

I feel like today, when I cried, I felt a little relief, loads of sadness and anger. I know I need to maintain, but really. I can't hold it in anymore. I just started to cry. I've felt too much pressure. I think too much. When you're playing a setter, you've gotta think of what's gonna happen when the ball comes to you, what's your next step, who are you gonna set it to, how high and how far away are you, what kind of balls they like, should you call them, how can you earn the point, drop the ball, watch out for drop balls, be aware of everybody, talk and just make sure everyone's awake ? I know, it's not such a big deal, but when you're gonna be playing with people who are in their final year and want to go into the nationals, you'll just crumble under the pressure. You've got expectations to meet, you have to get mentally prepared. You're one of the youngest playing. And the team is dependent on you to set the ball nicely for a good game. Do you think it's that easy ? I had a cut on my finger. Why can't teachers just understand ? I AM NOT A MACHINE. I AM NOT YOUR DOG. I CAN'T OBEY YOUR EVERY ORDER. I AM NOT PERFECT. I know crying is of no use, but I do feel pressure, no matter how many times you tell me, don't pressurize yourself, I will. I'm sorry that I am not good enough. I tried my best. Believe me, I did. I was stronger today, than any other day. At least I tried. What else did you do, besides giving raisins for our first match. Moral support ? Or is that categorized under demoralization. Thanks so much life and teachers.

After this game, we have a match this Monday. I don't want to go. It's enough. I've had enough. I don't wanna do anything. I don't deserve I be praised. I don't deserve to play. I am a useless piece of crap. I realize that now. I am just that useless. That's why, I will be better. But then, my self esteem has been injured. It's gone. Forever. I'm sorry. I want to be a better setter, but I am not worthy of such a fantastic team. Peicai Team. <3 I love you guys. No matter what I said before, please pardon me. I have no right. And I am now nothing.

Cause even if I did my best, my efforts won't be recognized unless we win something, other wise, when we lose, we were only taught to focus on everything you did wrong. I tried my best. Could you see me ? I didn't give any black face. Please. I beg you. I ain't worthy.

Sigh. I'm gonna just visualize again. Wow. I've done a lot lately. Oh well. Goodnight blog. I want to hug you, but I can't. I just wanna be accepted and be the player that everyone can count on.

Things I miss

It seems that every single time I blog, it's angry, sad or something. Well, today, is not the day that it'll be different. Sigh. I'm just feeling down. Well, I wasn't a couple of hours ago. Cause I made the mistake of looking at my previous texts a few minutes a go. That brought my whole heart down. It felt heavy and I couldn't lift my own mood out. I tried to. But. I can't seem to do that cause I miss everything.

I miss everything about you. The way we used to talk. The way we'd text. Man. I miss you actually. Amelia Lim, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Heck. I'm sorry to everyone. To everyone I've ever hated or bore a grudge. I never feel that good afterwards. But then, you should know how stubborn I am. Sigh. I hate it how my ego and short tempers put me in these spots.

Look. I suppose you guys should know a bit of my family background. Sigh. I was terrible. You want to know something ? The real reason why my we emigrated was because of me. When I was around 3, I was a tattle tale. I was beaten by my parents whenever I did something wrong. There were always those lines either at my bottom, or at my legs and occasionally back. I couldn't stand it. I told my grandparents. I was too small to know anything. In the end, we were kicked out of the house. We were staying at my grandfather's shop. I was too small. Really. In the end, we moved around.

For nine months, we were out in Indonesia, no income, nowhere to call home. We jumped from hotel to hotel, sometimes, staying in the hotel for a few weeks at a go. Life was full of flights in the wee hours of the morning. And checking into hotels. My sis haven't even reached 1 year old. And we were moving from place to place. Her first birthday cake was a muffin. I could never lived that down. So now, when I've grown older from then, I'll give her the best. Nothing but the best. We may fight but I will be her older sister. No matter what.

Anyway, we were without friends for 9 months. When we first reached Singapore, my first comment was to be appalled at the cleanliness of this place. This was so much cleaner than everything else. We've stayed in Toraja, the countryside of Indonesia. We've stayed at rest-stops and even though life was not that easy, it was fun. Surprisingly, I was never alone. My mum was by my side, along with my sister. I love them, though they irritate me sometimes, but then again, who doesn't ?

I grew up, remembering my grandfather as a man who smoked, played golf and coops himself in the business and in his room. I remember one night, my dad brought me to my grandfather's room to apologize, don't know for what, but I was angry at my dad for a long while.


That's all for now. Blogging soon.


P.S this was a draft a couple of weeks ago ... PAISEH

Plans for the year

Damn. This is more than I should know of. The more you guys go out without me, the more I feel upset and left out. Thought we had so much bond. Tsk. I had always known I was just that replaceable. To think I was in any part useful. Sigh. So much for what I've thought. But still, I know I'll never match up to you guys. We now belong in different classes. We are different and now, I don't know how to respond to you. Forget it. You guys just continue on. I'm done harboring bad intentions. They've hurt me more than I've hurt them.

You guys are teammates and classmates. Nothing can change that. I'm just another teammate. Hahaha. To think when we went out, went as soon as the sun rises, reaches home as the sun sets. What am I ? Really. You know what ? Everyday I went out with you guys, my mum calls me a prostitute. You know why ? Cause I entertain all you people. I don't need insults everyday. She calls me that and say I'm worse than that, cause I go out and spend money, to entertain, whereas prostitutes at the very least gets money. So what do I do now ? I ain't making the first move anymore. I accidentally sent a stupid message to you. I wasn't planned for it to be sent. And I know it's impossible. Thanks. I'm done and over.

 I think I tend to overthink a lot. I mean, I think it's because, I'm naturally like that. I believe that I am not an average kid. Cause according to my mum, before 18 months old, I could learn the ABCs and yet, what am I doing now ? Other than that, I can imagine looking at something from a different angle, kind of like a 3D matrix of some sort. It's stupid, but I don't know. I'm just that weird.

I believe, my friends are classified into 2 like, categories of beverages. My old friends are like Milo. They're cool, sweet and available every time you feel like drinking it. They have the same taste every time and one day, you realize you wanted to try something new. So instead of ice Milo, you order a cappuccino. You get addicted to the caffeine and in the end, you stopped drinking Milo. But then, you realize, even though, coffee is more "high grade" and has a higher market value, you realize that it prevents you from sleeping and it's hot. So on a hot day, you'll feel hotter than ever. Now, you realize, coffee isn't so good as you thought and you want to go back to drinking Milo. Of course, after spending so much on coffee, you need to earn money to buy ice Milo again. But, you're not too sure about coffee. What do you do now ?

I have decided, everybody's got their strength and weaknesses. All I want is to be happy. I want my parents to stop fighting, my friends to be happy, my sister to be happy wherever she'd be, I want to find myself. I've delayed the publishing of this post and all I want to say is, I'm sorry to everyone. I will find myself in due time again.

For now, let me be my self. Give me time to enjoy life. Let me work hard for something. I don't mean to be rude, but ever since I've moved, I haven't exactly worked hard for anything. I have been a slacker for 2 years. I think I'll continue to be but ANYWAYS.

I just want to say, I found that I love softball and I want to play it, and I love volleyball and I enjoy playing it. I really really love the people there. Even if I'm cold sometimes, it's just a time for me to gain my pace. You don't have to bother with me, but please don't make me feel like I'm nothing. I love you all. <3 No one can replace the moments we shared. But of course, tell me when I'm not needed, cause I feel like an extra. Really.

Troublesome me.

I don't want to really see anyone anymore. I mean. I don't wanna go with softballers. Just for one reason. I'd rather hate something I love, rather than love it and yet I can't get it. I'd rather trade love for hate, so that at least I wouldn't think about it so much. Sigh. If you see it this way, I am rather loyal to my friends. If you treat me nicely, I will most definitely treat you well. I'm a klutz, I pms all the time. I have mood swings, severe ones as a matter of fact. But will anyone care ? I am too much of an annoyance. I feel that way too. I know people are good to me, but sometimes, it's complicated. If I like you, I should have stayed with you. But. I don't want to force it. You told me before you didn't like les or bi. I can't say anything to that. You were disgusted by your older sis, even when she just acted like too much of a tomboy. I can't deny that I think I liked you. TSK. I LIKE WAYYYYY TOO MANY PEOPLE. :O I will stay faithful. Sigh. If love is more than 4 months, then I've loved 4 people before. I've liked this guy at my old school. Until last year. Well, I couldn't decide between liking a girl and a guy. Tsk. I am a bitch. Forget it. I don't want to explain. But the ones I "loved" were girls. Sigh. I fell in love at first sight. Wait. Maybe it's just cause she's best friend material. But nevermind.

Anyway, without any teammates to fall back on, now, I'm like an outcast. I don't belong anywhere. I guess it's gonna happen anyway. Is it because I'm quiet or weird ? Sigh. I shall stop then. I won't say anything else. All I'm left with is my imagination. You know, I've always put friends before families. I don't know why. But. I think I shall stop. I am a strong girl. I will stop myself from getting too close to anyone anymore. I know I said once. I mean it this time. No one. Will change my mind. I'm sticking to simplicity. I like it the way it was. I will just go one side and emo. I propose a toast. To my miserable life. I will emo all the way. Don't be surprised if you see cuts. It's just a matter of time. I can't stand myself. I don't understand why I do the things I do. It's a matter of time. You'll see. I'll slowly disappear. Nobody would care. My thoughts. All saved up. The only person I'd talk to is my sis. She's annoying, but she's there for me. Forever. I will be there and talking to her.

Sigh. She's an outlet for me. I won't feel bad if I continue to talk to her. She's like. My diary. I love her. Without her, I couldn't have survived. I've always thought friends were important. Tsk. I was too naive. They're nothing but trouble. All I need is someone to just get in groups with. I don't want your sympathy or pity if you want to be friends with me. I am who I am. Let me be, even if I die trying. Or at least, don't pity me.

Honestly speaking, I hate some people. One person I hate is my cousin. Tsk. Stupid. I hate her. Why ? Well, she came from Indonesia. Not that I look down on her, but she can't speak English so WHY CAN'T YOU LEARN ? ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING. I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE ALL THE TIME FOR YOU TO TRANSLATE. FUCK NO. I AM NOT YOUR DAMN TRANSLATOR. YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS COUNTRY, BETTER BUCK UP. But to put it nicely, learn some words. Cause who wants to go out and talk all the time in Hokkien ? Dude. I am 14 not 60. I CAN speak English. Don't make me seem so low and uncivilised. And heck no. I hate helping people take pictures. Or be in the pictures. Don't act lah horh. Stomach so small, always say so fucking big. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. People slim down a bit say stomach go small already and damn happy, then yours fucking small. WHAT IS WRONG. Tsk. Come to another country. Oh look. You never bring wallet, so you no money. Come here how long ? Almost 1 month. No money. And expect me to be your damn tour guide. What fuck. Make me miss my camp. FUCK. THANKS LAH HORH. Thanks to you, I couldn't stay overnight. Why ? Cause my mum say "Oh. Your cousin's here. Take care of her okay ? Don't go out. Go ask her out or something. " I know it's my school holidays, but IT'S MY LIFE. I DON'T CARE IF I'LL GO THERE ANOTHER TIME AND I'LL NEED TO STAY THERE. I'D RATHER DIE THANK YOU.

TSK. I'm done saying her. Sigh. This is one of the only ways I can express myself. Don't judge from what you read here. I know it might be offensive, but don't take it to heart. I am terrible, I know. I just need people to hear me out, without actually having to say my thoughts. I'm sorry. I am bad.

New school year just started. I will maintain more. I will play my volleyball better. But. I can't help it since everyone's like ignoring me. I need people who understand. Not to just accompaniment when you're bored. I don't want you to be a tool. I don't want to be a tool too. Treat others how you'd like to be treated upon. I guess, I've been quieter. I will get even more so. Sigh. I can't stop my way from thinking this way. When I worry about you, I will worry a lot and you shouldn't ignore me. I get paranoid easily.

As you can tell, I'm a jumble of emotions and bad habits. I'll keep myself sane, by blogging, writing, playing sports and making music. I am me. No one can change that.