FML. We won one match against Bukit Merah but lost to Queensway today. I can't believe it. Do my seniors seriously have no feeling ? They won't cry ? Sigh. I don't know. I cried after the whole thing. I have been crying more often lately cause of volleyball. Everynight before a game, I'll just cry. I am not entirely sure why, but I break down mostly in volleyball.
Today, Queensway was strong. I can't help but say they were. I'm sorry. I did my best, but it just wasn't enough. Sigh. Why can't I be better ?
Don't you just hate it when you give your everything, but you end up with almost nothing.
I cried after the match. Wanna know why I was so nervous ? Cause my teacher asked me to visualize. I did. And got so scared. I couldn't sleep at night. I was terrified. And then. This happened. We lost to Queesnsway single digits. I'm not proud of it, but if that's the case, I'm sorry. I know it's definitely my fault. My heart was beating like a hamster when the games started. I didn't give up. I SWEAR. I didn't. Up till the end of the game. Sigh. I don't wanna do anything.
I feel like today, when I cried, I felt a little relief, loads of sadness and anger. I know I need to maintain, but really. I can't hold it in anymore. I just started to cry. I've felt too much pressure. I think too much. When you're playing a setter, you've gotta think of what's gonna happen when the ball comes to you, what's your next step, who are you gonna set it to, how high and how far away are you, what kind of balls they like, should you call them, how can you earn the point, drop the ball, watch out for drop balls, be aware of everybody, talk and just make sure everyone's awake ? I know, it's not such a big deal, but when you're gonna be playing with people who are in their final year and want to go into the nationals, you'll just crumble under the pressure. You've got expectations to meet, you have to get mentally prepared. You're one of the youngest playing. And the team is dependent on you to set the ball nicely for a good game. Do you think it's that easy ? I had a cut on my finger. Why can't teachers just understand ? I AM NOT A MACHINE. I AM NOT YOUR DOG. I CAN'T OBEY YOUR EVERY ORDER. I AM NOT PERFECT. I know crying is of no use, but I do feel pressure, no matter how many times you tell me, don't pressurize yourself, I will. I'm sorry that I am not good enough. I tried my best. Believe me, I did. I was stronger today, than any other day. At least I tried. What else did you do, besides giving raisins for our first match. Moral support ? Or is that categorized under demoralization. Thanks so much life and teachers.
After this game, we have a match this Monday. I don't want to go. It's enough. I've had enough. I don't wanna do anything. I don't deserve I be praised. I don't deserve to play. I am a useless piece of crap. I realize that now. I am just that useless. That's why, I will be better. But then, my self esteem has been injured. It's gone. Forever. I'm sorry. I want to be a better setter, but I am not worthy of such a fantastic team. Peicai Team. <3 I love you guys. No matter what I said before, please pardon me. I have no right. And I am now nothing.
Cause even if I did my best, my efforts won't be recognized unless we win something, other wise, when we lose, we were only taught to focus on everything you did wrong. I tried my best. Could you see me ? I didn't give any black face. Please. I beg you. I ain't worthy.
Sigh. I'm gonna just visualize again. Wow. I've done a lot lately. Oh well. Goodnight blog. I want to hug you, but I can't. I just wanna be accepted and be the player that everyone can count on.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Things I miss
It seems that every single time I blog, it's angry, sad or something. Well, today, is not the day that it'll be different. Sigh. I'm just feeling down. Well, I wasn't a couple of hours ago. Cause I made the mistake of looking at my previous texts a few minutes a go. That brought my whole heart down. It felt heavy and I couldn't lift my own mood out. I tried to. But. I can't seem to do that cause I miss everything.
I miss everything about you. The way we used to talk. The way we'd text. Man. I miss you actually. Amelia Lim, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Heck. I'm sorry to everyone. To everyone I've ever hated or bore a grudge. I never feel that good afterwards. But then, you should know how stubborn I am. Sigh. I hate it how my ego and short tempers put me in these spots.
Look. I suppose you guys should know a bit of my family background. Sigh. I was terrible. You want to know something ? The real reason why my we emigrated was because of me. When I was around 3, I was a tattle tale. I was beaten by my parents whenever I did something wrong. There were always those lines either at my bottom, or at my legs and occasionally back. I couldn't stand it. I told my grandparents. I was too small to know anything. In the end, we were kicked out of the house. We were staying at my grandfather's shop. I was too small. Really. In the end, we moved around.
For nine months, we were out in Indonesia, no income, nowhere to call home. We jumped from hotel to hotel, sometimes, staying in the hotel for a few weeks at a go. Life was full of flights in the wee hours of the morning. And checking into hotels. My sis haven't even reached 1 year old. And we were moving from place to place. Her first birthday cake was a muffin. I could never lived that down. So now, when I've grown older from then, I'll give her the best. Nothing but the best. We may fight but I will be her older sister. No matter what.
Anyway, we were without friends for 9 months. When we first reached Singapore, my first comment was to be appalled at the cleanliness of this place. This was so much cleaner than everything else. We've stayed in Toraja, the countryside of Indonesia. We've stayed at rest-stops and even though life was not that easy, it was fun. Surprisingly, I was never alone. My mum was by my side, along with my sister. I love them, though they irritate me sometimes, but then again, who doesn't ?
I grew up, remembering my grandfather as a man who smoked, played golf and coops himself in the business and in his room. I remember one night, my dad brought me to my grandfather's room to apologize, don't know for what, but I was angry at my dad for a long while.
That's all for now. Blogging soon.
P.S this was a draft a couple of weeks ago ... PAISEH
I miss everything about you. The way we used to talk. The way we'd text. Man. I miss you actually. Amelia Lim, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Heck. I'm sorry to everyone. To everyone I've ever hated or bore a grudge. I never feel that good afterwards. But then, you should know how stubborn I am. Sigh. I hate it how my ego and short tempers put me in these spots.
Look. I suppose you guys should know a bit of my family background. Sigh. I was terrible. You want to know something ? The real reason why my we emigrated was because of me. When I was around 3, I was a tattle tale. I was beaten by my parents whenever I did something wrong. There were always those lines either at my bottom, or at my legs and occasionally back. I couldn't stand it. I told my grandparents. I was too small to know anything. In the end, we were kicked out of the house. We were staying at my grandfather's shop. I was too small. Really. In the end, we moved around.
For nine months, we were out in Indonesia, no income, nowhere to call home. We jumped from hotel to hotel, sometimes, staying in the hotel for a few weeks at a go. Life was full of flights in the wee hours of the morning. And checking into hotels. My sis haven't even reached 1 year old. And we were moving from place to place. Her first birthday cake was a muffin. I could never lived that down. So now, when I've grown older from then, I'll give her the best. Nothing but the best. We may fight but I will be her older sister. No matter what.
Anyway, we were without friends for 9 months. When we first reached Singapore, my first comment was to be appalled at the cleanliness of this place. This was so much cleaner than everything else. We've stayed in Toraja, the countryside of Indonesia. We've stayed at rest-stops and even though life was not that easy, it was fun. Surprisingly, I was never alone. My mum was by my side, along with my sister. I love them, though they irritate me sometimes, but then again, who doesn't ?
I grew up, remembering my grandfather as a man who smoked, played golf and coops himself in the business and in his room. I remember one night, my dad brought me to my grandfather's room to apologize, don't know for what, but I was angry at my dad for a long while.
That's all for now. Blogging soon.
P.S this was a draft a couple of weeks ago ... PAISEH
Friday, January 6, 2012
Plans for the year
Damn. This is more than I should know of. The more you guys go out without me, the more I feel upset and left out. Thought we had so much bond. Tsk. I had always known I was just that replaceable. To think I was in any part useful. Sigh. So much for what I've thought. But still, I know I'll never match up to you guys. We now belong in different classes. We are different and now, I don't know how to respond to you. Forget it. You guys just continue on. I'm done harboring bad intentions. They've hurt me more than I've hurt them.
You guys are teammates and classmates. Nothing can change that. I'm just another teammate. Hahaha. To think when we went out, went as soon as the sun rises, reaches home as the sun sets. What am I ? Really. You know what ? Everyday I went out with you guys, my mum calls me a prostitute. You know why ? Cause I entertain all you people. I don't need insults everyday. She calls me that and say I'm worse than that, cause I go out and spend money, to entertain, whereas prostitutes at the very least gets money. So what do I do now ? I ain't making the first move anymore. I accidentally sent a stupid message to you. I wasn't planned for it to be sent. And I know it's impossible. Thanks. I'm done and over.
I think I tend to overthink a lot. I mean, I think it's because, I'm naturally like that. I believe that I am not an average kid. Cause according to my mum, before 18 months old, I could learn the ABCs and yet, what am I doing now ? Other than that, I can imagine looking at something from a different angle, kind of like a 3D matrix of some sort. It's stupid, but I don't know. I'm just that weird.
I believe, my friends are classified into 2 like, categories of beverages. My old friends are like Milo. They're cool, sweet and available every time you feel like drinking it. They have the same taste every time and one day, you realize you wanted to try something new. So instead of ice Milo, you order a cappuccino. You get addicted to the caffeine and in the end, you stopped drinking Milo. But then, you realize, even though, coffee is more "high grade" and has a higher market value, you realize that it prevents you from sleeping and it's hot. So on a hot day, you'll feel hotter than ever. Now, you realize, coffee isn't so good as you thought and you want to go back to drinking Milo. Of course, after spending so much on coffee, you need to earn money to buy ice Milo again. But, you're not too sure about coffee. What do you do now ?
I have decided, everybody's got their strength and weaknesses. All I want is to be happy. I want my parents to stop fighting, my friends to be happy, my sister to be happy wherever she'd be, I want to find myself. I've delayed the publishing of this post and all I want to say is, I'm sorry to everyone. I will find myself in due time again.
For now, let me be my self. Give me time to enjoy life. Let me work hard for something. I don't mean to be rude, but ever since I've moved, I haven't exactly worked hard for anything. I have been a slacker for 2 years. I think I'll continue to be but ANYWAYS.
I just want to say, I found that I love softball and I want to play it, and I love volleyball and I enjoy playing it. I really really love the people there. Even if I'm cold sometimes, it's just a time for me to gain my pace. You don't have to bother with me, but please don't make me feel like I'm nothing. I love you all. <3 No one can replace the moments we shared. But of course, tell me when I'm not needed, cause I feel like an extra. Really.
I believe, my friends are classified into 2 like, categories of beverages. My old friends are like Milo. They're cool, sweet and available every time you feel like drinking it. They have the same taste every time and one day, you realize you wanted to try something new. So instead of ice Milo, you order a cappuccino. You get addicted to the caffeine and in the end, you stopped drinking Milo. But then, you realize, even though, coffee is more "high grade" and has a higher market value, you realize that it prevents you from sleeping and it's hot. So on a hot day, you'll feel hotter than ever. Now, you realize, coffee isn't so good as you thought and you want to go back to drinking Milo. Of course, after spending so much on coffee, you need to earn money to buy ice Milo again. But, you're not too sure about coffee. What do you do now ?
I have decided, everybody's got their strength and weaknesses. All I want is to be happy. I want my parents to stop fighting, my friends to be happy, my sister to be happy wherever she'd be, I want to find myself. I've delayed the publishing of this post and all I want to say is, I'm sorry to everyone. I will find myself in due time again.
For now, let me be my self. Give me time to enjoy life. Let me work hard for something. I don't mean to be rude, but ever since I've moved, I haven't exactly worked hard for anything. I have been a slacker for 2 years. I think I'll continue to be but ANYWAYS.
I just want to say, I found that I love softball and I want to play it, and I love volleyball and I enjoy playing it. I really really love the people there. Even if I'm cold sometimes, it's just a time for me to gain my pace. You don't have to bother with me, but please don't make me feel like I'm nothing. I love you all. <3 No one can replace the moments we shared. But of course, tell me when I'm not needed, cause I feel like an extra. Really.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Troublesome me.
I don't want to really see anyone anymore. I mean. I don't wanna go with softballers. Just for one reason. I'd rather hate something I love, rather than love it and yet I can't get it. I'd rather trade love for hate, so that at least I wouldn't think about it so much. Sigh. If you see it this way, I am rather loyal to my friends. If you treat me nicely, I will most definitely treat you well. I'm a klutz, I pms all the time. I have mood swings, severe ones as a matter of fact. But will anyone care ? I am too much of an annoyance. I feel that way too. I know people are good to me, but sometimes, it's complicated. If I like you, I should have stayed with you. But. I don't want to force it. You told me before you didn't like les or bi. I can't say anything to that. You were disgusted by your older sis, even when she just acted like too much of a tomboy. I can't deny that I think I liked you. TSK. I LIKE WAYYYYY TOO MANY PEOPLE. :O I will stay faithful. Sigh. If love is more than 4 months, then I've loved 4 people before. I've liked this guy at my old school. Until last year. Well, I couldn't decide between liking a girl and a guy. Tsk. I am a bitch. Forget it. I don't want to explain. But the ones I "loved" were girls. Sigh. I fell in love at first sight. Wait. Maybe it's just cause she's best friend material. But nevermind.
Anyway, without any teammates to fall back on, now, I'm like an outcast. I don't belong anywhere. I guess it's gonna happen anyway. Is it because I'm quiet or weird ? Sigh. I shall stop then. I won't say anything else. All I'm left with is my imagination. You know, I've always put friends before families. I don't know why. But. I think I shall stop. I am a strong girl. I will stop myself from getting too close to anyone anymore. I know I said once. I mean it this time. No one. Will change my mind. I'm sticking to simplicity. I like it the way it was. I will just go one side and emo. I propose a toast. To my miserable life. I will emo all the way. Don't be surprised if you see cuts. It's just a matter of time. I can't stand myself. I don't understand why I do the things I do. It's a matter of time. You'll see. I'll slowly disappear. Nobody would care. My thoughts. All saved up. The only person I'd talk to is my sis. She's annoying, but she's there for me. Forever. I will be there and talking to her.
Sigh. She's an outlet for me. I won't feel bad if I continue to talk to her. She's like. My diary. I love her. Without her, I couldn't have survived. I've always thought friends were important. Tsk. I was too naive. They're nothing but trouble. All I need is someone to just get in groups with. I don't want your sympathy or pity if you want to be friends with me. I am who I am. Let me be, even if I die trying. Or at least, don't pity me.
Honestly speaking, I hate some people. One person I hate is my cousin. Tsk. Stupid. I hate her. Why ? Well, she came from Indonesia. Not that I look down on her, but she can't speak English so WHY CAN'T YOU LEARN ? ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING. I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE ALL THE TIME FOR YOU TO TRANSLATE. FUCK NO. I AM NOT YOUR DAMN TRANSLATOR. YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS COUNTRY, BETTER BUCK UP. But to put it nicely, learn some words. Cause who wants to go out and talk all the time in Hokkien ? Dude. I am 14 not 60. I CAN speak English. Don't make me seem so low and uncivilised. And heck no. I hate helping people take pictures. Or be in the pictures. Don't act lah horh. Stomach so small, always say so fucking big. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. People slim down a bit say stomach go small already and damn happy, then yours fucking small. WHAT IS WRONG. Tsk. Come to another country. Oh look. You never bring wallet, so you no money. Come here how long ? Almost 1 month. No money. And expect me to be your damn tour guide. What fuck. Make me miss my camp. FUCK. THANKS LAH HORH. Thanks to you, I couldn't stay overnight. Why ? Cause my mum say "Oh. Your cousin's here. Take care of her okay ? Don't go out. Go ask her out or something. " I know it's my school holidays, but IT'S MY LIFE. I DON'T CARE IF I'LL GO THERE ANOTHER TIME AND I'LL NEED TO STAY THERE. I'D RATHER DIE THANK YOU.
TSK. I'm done saying her. Sigh. This is one of the only ways I can express myself. Don't judge from what you read here. I know it might be offensive, but don't take it to heart. I am terrible, I know. I just need people to hear me out, without actually having to say my thoughts. I'm sorry. I am bad.
New school year just started. I will maintain more. I will play my volleyball better. But. I can't help it since everyone's like ignoring me. I need people who understand. Not to just accompaniment when you're bored. I don't want you to be a tool. I don't want to be a tool too. Treat others how you'd like to be treated upon. I guess, I've been quieter. I will get even more so. Sigh. I can't stop my way from thinking this way. When I worry about you, I will worry a lot and you shouldn't ignore me. I get paranoid easily.
As you can tell, I'm a jumble of emotions and bad habits. I'll keep myself sane, by blogging, writing, playing sports and making music. I am me. No one can change that.
Anyway, without any teammates to fall back on, now, I'm like an outcast. I don't belong anywhere. I guess it's gonna happen anyway. Is it because I'm quiet or weird ? Sigh. I shall stop then. I won't say anything else. All I'm left with is my imagination. You know, I've always put friends before families. I don't know why. But. I think I shall stop. I am a strong girl. I will stop myself from getting too close to anyone anymore. I know I said once. I mean it this time. No one. Will change my mind. I'm sticking to simplicity. I like it the way it was. I will just go one side and emo. I propose a toast. To my miserable life. I will emo all the way. Don't be surprised if you see cuts. It's just a matter of time. I can't stand myself. I don't understand why I do the things I do. It's a matter of time. You'll see. I'll slowly disappear. Nobody would care. My thoughts. All saved up. The only person I'd talk to is my sis. She's annoying, but she's there for me. Forever. I will be there and talking to her.
Sigh. She's an outlet for me. I won't feel bad if I continue to talk to her. She's like. My diary. I love her. Without her, I couldn't have survived. I've always thought friends were important. Tsk. I was too naive. They're nothing but trouble. All I need is someone to just get in groups with. I don't want your sympathy or pity if you want to be friends with me. I am who I am. Let me be, even if I die trying. Or at least, don't pity me.
Honestly speaking, I hate some people. One person I hate is my cousin. Tsk. Stupid. I hate her. Why ? Well, she came from Indonesia. Not that I look down on her, but she can't speak English so WHY CAN'T YOU LEARN ? ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING. I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE ALL THE TIME FOR YOU TO TRANSLATE. FUCK NO. I AM NOT YOUR DAMN TRANSLATOR. YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS COUNTRY, BETTER BUCK UP. But to put it nicely, learn some words. Cause who wants to go out and talk all the time in Hokkien ? Dude. I am 14 not 60. I CAN speak English. Don't make me seem so low and uncivilised. And heck no. I hate helping people take pictures. Or be in the pictures. Don't act lah horh. Stomach so small, always say so fucking big. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. People slim down a bit say stomach go small already and damn happy, then yours fucking small. WHAT IS WRONG. Tsk. Come to another country. Oh look. You never bring wallet, so you no money. Come here how long ? Almost 1 month. No money. And expect me to be your damn tour guide. What fuck. Make me miss my camp. FUCK. THANKS LAH HORH. Thanks to you, I couldn't stay overnight. Why ? Cause my mum say "Oh. Your cousin's here. Take care of her okay ? Don't go out. Go ask her out or something. " I know it's my school holidays, but IT'S MY LIFE. I DON'T CARE IF I'LL GO THERE ANOTHER TIME AND I'LL NEED TO STAY THERE. I'D RATHER DIE THANK YOU.
TSK. I'm done saying her. Sigh. This is one of the only ways I can express myself. Don't judge from what you read here. I know it might be offensive, but don't take it to heart. I am terrible, I know. I just need people to hear me out, without actually having to say my thoughts. I'm sorry. I am bad.
New school year just started. I will maintain more. I will play my volleyball better. But. I can't help it since everyone's like ignoring me. I need people who understand. Not to just accompaniment when you're bored. I don't want you to be a tool. I don't want to be a tool too. Treat others how you'd like to be treated upon. I guess, I've been quieter. I will get even more so. Sigh. I can't stop my way from thinking this way. When I worry about you, I will worry a lot and you shouldn't ignore me. I get paranoid easily.
As you can tell, I'm a jumble of emotions and bad habits. I'll keep myself sane, by blogging, writing, playing sports and making music. I am me. No one can change that.
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