It's the Holidays ~

Well then, the holidays have begun. Hmmm. Today I went to Amelia's house to go gym. I missed council meeting for it. :( I even had to lie to Qin En. I feel so despicable. Damn it. I hate myself for this. Sigh. I feel so guilty. :( I know she hates people who lie and I did that to her. Damn. I'm so despicable and I am the worst possible friend ever ! I HATE MYSELF CAUSE THE GUILT IS EATING ME ALIVE. I wanna make it better. I'm so damn sorry. It's all my fault. I wanna restart. I'm sorry ! :(

Sigh. Me feeling sad won't do anything to make things better. How about I make her forget by making her laugh? :) I'll just do that. Damn it. I'm so sorry ! :( Sigh. Well, now, I'm not too sure I want to patch up with Andrea and Alyaa? I don't wanna get too close anymore. I don't know what I'll do. I don't wanna feel hurt cause I get jealous easily and I don't want people to feel bothered with me anymore. I've decided that I'm not worthy for anyone to be worried about me. I mean like, I don't have a reason to be liked or even loved. Sigh. Gotta blame the genes. My dad's a little skeptical about my mum and it's been the cause of many unwanted family brawls. I know I've got his genes. I know what's gonna happen. I'm afraid of it. I don't want it to be true cause, I don't want to hurt those who I love.

I miss Andrea and Alyaa. But. I've got no face to see them. I mean. I threw A LOT of tantrums. No kidding. I'm sorry for them, but I feel that if I continue to be friends with them, it's not gonna be good for them, and it's not gonna be good for me cause my parents are always against people with darker skin. Damn. :( Anyway, there is no point in having friendship with people from different teams rather than creating stronger bonds with teammates. So now, I'll focus everything I have on volleyball !

I am so dumb. It's now 10 pm. Apparently I'm working tomorrow. It's gonna be my first day ! Woah. I'm kinda scared. Damn it. Haiz. Gotta work as a receptionist ! I don't know how I'll get paid, but I prefer jobs that can let me play at the same time ! :) Nevermind uh ! At least got aircon can already~ :) Hahahahha.

So let's see. I lied to my best friend today. And I feel awfully terrible. :( I am starting work tomorrow. At my mum's office. I am gonna have a friendly match this friday. Sigh. I want to be a normal kid who gets to go out, without problems and without having to feel sad. I wonder how long it'll take for Andrea to see these posts. I wrote the blog address on the left hand side of her card. Makes me wonder, did she threw the card away? Sigh. I ain't that important to nobody. I'm a nobody and I don't want people to be hurt. I feel like I always hurt them. I'm so bad. I'm so evil. I think I'm kinda having depression? Or maybe I'm starting to be suicidal. I'm a terrible person.

This post is ending. I don't want to write anymore. The more I write, the more I think. :( I'm gonna be a nice girl and stop it before I start to do weird stuffs again. Sigh. Thank god it's a blog. If it was a diary, more stuff would come up. Damn. I also realized that most of the things I think about nowadays are more to friendship. I hope I don't fall too deep and hurt myself. :(

Loving my friends too much. And depressed girl. Cheeseball.

Updates.

Well, I'm not feeling that emo anymore. I feel better actually. Hmm. Who knew crying could have so much effect? It makes me feel so much more relaxed. Oh well... I haven't updated the blog in a long time. Dang it. :P Oh well.

Hmm. Now my best friends are like still damn awesome. :) I've got friends to confide in and I feel so much better cause they make me feel like I'm wanted.I know that I have mood swings. I can't help it sometimes. I just want to feel normal sometimes. Sigh. It depressing that I can get jealous of my friends if they get closer to other people more than me. I'm weird. I wonder whether is it a good thing that I put my friends as a priority? I feel like I'm thinking too much sometimes. It's probably just me, missing my old friends where I was more welcome, with people who understood me better and treated me without being so judgmental and skeptical. Is it because of our different capabilities so that's why we're treated differently. Its so different being a teenager and being just a young child. You have different feelings of being accepted. When you were younger, you were friends if you liked each other. But now, there are more factors relating to being friends. If you're not friends with the popular people, you'll never have friends. Now, it's more to doing what's popular rather than what's nice to you. You wouldn't like it if you were looked down for liking something someone else doesn't like. Life's unfair. You were born with the wrong kind of genes, you'll never have friends. You just have to find someone else that accepts you without judging before you can enjoy peace. Or you'll just be a loner and you'll also enjoy peace.

I have friends. I love them. As in like friends. I miss them already. They're the best things that has happened to me ever since I came to this school. My best friends are Andrea, Alyaa and Qin En ~ I don't know whether they feel the same way though. But still. I really wanna spend more time with them. They're like the awesomest people I've ever met. Gosh. I'm obsessed with my friends. Dang. But I kinda felt emo-ish. Then jealous. Then I think I ruined the whole friendship. I feel so sad. I don't know. Maybe its the stress. Maybe it's the environment. Or maybe, it's just me. I miss their hugs. Dang it.

I realize I write lengthy paragraphs. I don't know why either. But it's kinda difficult to read. Damn. I want to let more people know about this blog, but no one would look at it anyways. Sigh.

The EOYs just ended. I got 3rd in the level even though I failed one subject. Like seriously. 37/100. For Higher Mother Tongue. I'm so sad now. Cause I'm supposed to get 2nd. I made sure ! Its just that the stupid Rae go and take my 2nd place by 0.1 marks. She didn't come for the exam and was pro-rated. BITCH. Like that also can. I would do the same. I shall crush you. I don't care. You're making me feel so evil. I just want to crush your dreams Rae. Watch out. I'll come after you. This I swear. Don't make me destroy the very little friends you have. Trust me. I've got my ways.

Anyway, now that I feel evil, I'm gonna let it all out... I don't know why either but she's made me feel so pissed at this school. I feel like working so hard and crushing other people's dreams. I know I'm capable. Let me just unleash the monster in me. I am capable. I will destroy dreams and you will feel like never going back. You'll feel so helpless and completely give up. I know I'm not being fair, but I shall impose that on the volleyball team. I will become the very best, the cream of the crop. I will work hard and make you feel my wrath. I shall become the very best of the team. I will fight for a space in the seniors spot. I will make them beg for mercy. I shall crush all those who comes in between me and my top position. I shall work on my skills, make them twice, no, three times better than yours and by the time you try to catch up, it'll all be too late. I will make sure that I will be the best in terms of volleyball. Crushed dreams, you shall fuel me to my ultimate goal.

Damn it. Just cause of one stupid girl I am going to ruin everybody's dream? I will be the best. You won't know what hit you. I can be cruel. Just piss me off and you'll get it.

Well, I'll go calm myself down before destroying more people's hopes and dreams. Good luck to all those people. I'm pretty sure you're gonna need it when you find out what I'm capable of.

Cheeseball.

Letter to the Heavens.

Dear Toh Xiao Ting,
Dang. 3 years ago, I was still crying. 3 years ago, I was whining and trying to believe that it was not true. 3 years ago, it was your funeral.

I'm so sorry I missed your funeral. I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend. I'm sorry. I would give anything to spend more time with you. You left the world 3 years ago, 24 Oct 2008. I missed you so much. Please Xiao Ting, I would give anything for you to play volleyball with me. You changed me. You were like my longest and one of the closest friends at that time. We were the best of pals. We played volleyball together. If you were here, you'll remember right? Remember that deal you made with Mr Lim, the volleyball coach, in P4? He said he would treat you, Pennie or me if we could do 50 continuous digging against the wall. You did it ! And we were so happy ! You raised it up and managed to do 100 continuously ! You won the bet ! And did you remember the times when we walked back home together ? Did you remember the times we waited for each other at the void deck to go training together ? Did you remember the times where your dad sent the both of us to school for training? Did you remember enjoying and having so much fun playing volleyball like I did with you? Did you remember the both of us upset that you had to quit? Did you remember that you were about to join volleyball again just before you died? Did you remember that you were the best setter I've ever had? You would if you were still around wouldn't you?

I missed you like crazy. You know how much it hurts when I play volleyball? I could remember you playing in that hall at Hong Kah Primary. I could remember the screams of volleyballers. I could remember you there. You played with us. You were so smart at volleyball. I've always admired you for your volleyball skills. You were always better than me. In every aspect. I trained hard to beat you only in one thing. Strength. That's the only thing I had that I could beat you in. I'm sorry. I just missed you so much.

I still remember that phone call. Hao Wai called me. She told me you died. I was in disbelief. I cried at night. I prayed that it was not too late. You died at 3.40 pm. I was watching a chinese show with Jessica Hsu inside. I remember the scene. I remember ignoring the ambulance sound. I remembered crying. I'm sorry. I miss you.

It hurts every time I play volleyball. It hurts every time my team mates call me setter. It hurts if I hear your name called. Just the slightest bit. I'm sorry. It still hurts. I just want to say I miss you.

Remember in P1 where you broke your arm? I wanted to help you but so did Nelly. She was your cousin. She won. I felt defeated and sad. A few years later, I asked you why you broke your arm, you replied me that you were jumping around on the sofa and you broke it. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be your friend be it in volleyball and in class. I'm sorry.

3 years ago now, I was crying myself to sleep. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to believe my parents when they said not to believe that you died. I tried to, but somewhere deep down, I knew you had already left. I'm sorry. I want you back. Please, just play volleyball with me once more. I know we can be the best teamwork out of all the team members. Somehow, I wanted you to set the ball back for me once more for me to spike it over.

The last year we had in primary school, it was dedicated to you. We wanted to present you with a trophy. And we did. You had always been in our hearts. I miss you.

I miss you. I'm sorry. Good bye my dear friend. I set this as a final farewell to you. I shall leave all my past memories all behind me. RIP Toh Xiao Ting. I will remember you always.

Love,
Me.