Insanity.

I felt like throwing my phone away. Honestly. I don't know what to do with myself. Sigh. I give up with myself already. I'm afraid that I 'd go back into the same patterns of cutting and being so emo. Goddamnit. I don't wanna feel this way. Damn. So emo. Especially during a March holiday. Completely moodless. That just sucks.

Anyway, my grandad passed away on the 16 Feb 2012. Ain't that fantastic. Oh. And I've pretty much given up on everything else. I've lost all the vigour for volleyball. The burning flame of passion has died. The want to have friends died along with everything else. I don't wanna do anything anymore. Am I supposed to feel this way ? I don't wanna be so emo all the time. I swear. I feel like dying. Maybe that'll solve all my problems. Maybe that's the problem. I'm just not needed on earth. Perhaps, I am just an extra. One just to take up space and maybe just waste my life around. Despair has completely overwhelmed my heart. I don't know what to do anymore. One day, when I can't take it, I'll probably kill myself. The only thing that's stopping me now is the fact that I want to go to heaven, not hell.

Have you ever imagined yourself getting killed or wounding up in a hospital ? I feel like doing that, just to see who really cares and who doesn't. Or maybe, I just want to lose all my memories. Be it happy or sad. Everything. Gone. Erased. Done.

How does it feel to have everything around you, everything that you've built up, from words and memories to turn out to be a lie. A lie for your whole life. Gosh. I don't know. I don't know. But I have to be strong. I need to be. That's the job of being the eldest child. When your parents don't love each other as much as they did before, all their problems, which has to be shared amongst the 2 of them, is doubled onto the shoulders of the eldest child. No matter at what age, being the eldest child means that you have to know better, but still. I want my teenage age good times, looking back at these memories and say, Good times, instead of, I wish I'd done that.

Knowing someone actually gives a fuck about you is one of my favourite things in the world. Really. I don't know actually. Maybe inside, I'm just an attention deprived whore behind this other facade. I don't know. And when you ask me if I'm okay, I wouldn't know what to reply. I honestly don't know.

If I had a choice, I'd gladly give my living time for someone who needs it rather than life wasted on someone who just doesn't appreciate it just as much. I'd say.

Yknow, I actually like my form teacher this year. She's the nicest teacher and most influential, ever since my primary school teacher. I can still remember my Mrs R making jokes, saying, I don't want you to come back like those crazy people who cut their wrists. Some even cut it all around the whole wrist. I remembered myself laughing at that scene. Who would've thought that would've been me in the future ? I had completely given up on finding close friends. Just. I don't know. I'll just keep a distance.

I do worry about myself. But what can I do. I want to be seen and heard. But I don't want everybody to know and look at me from a different perspective henceforth. Why can't going out in society be like, 'Oh. It's just me and some friends. I can be myself.' But can you. I can't. I think I need help. But. I don't want cause I care too much about how people would look at me. Sometimes, I wish I'd never been born. Certain things were just not meant to be.

Last point, out of honesty. If you like her so much to everytime go out with her, I have nothing to say but get her to set for you. I have no words to say to that. Every time you go out with them, I'll just say, oh. You can just get them to play with you, since there's not much of a bond anymore. So why not just forget it ?

So. What do you want from me now ?