Troublesome me.

I don't want to really see anyone anymore. I mean. I don't wanna go with softballers. Just for one reason. I'd rather hate something I love, rather than love it and yet I can't get it. I'd rather trade love for hate, so that at least I wouldn't think about it so much. Sigh. If you see it this way, I am rather loyal to my friends. If you treat me nicely, I will most definitely treat you well. I'm a klutz, I pms all the time. I have mood swings, severe ones as a matter of fact. But will anyone care ? I am too much of an annoyance. I feel that way too. I know people are good to me, but sometimes, it's complicated. If I like you, I should have stayed with you. But. I don't want to force it. You told me before you didn't like les or bi. I can't say anything to that. You were disgusted by your older sis, even when she just acted like too much of a tomboy. I can't deny that I think I liked you. TSK. I LIKE WAYYYYY TOO MANY PEOPLE. :O I will stay faithful. Sigh. If love is more than 4 months, then I've loved 4 people before. I've liked this guy at my old school. Until last year. Well, I couldn't decide between liking a girl and a guy. Tsk. I am a bitch. Forget it. I don't want to explain. But the ones I "loved" were girls. Sigh. I fell in love at first sight. Wait. Maybe it's just cause she's best friend material. But nevermind.

Anyway, without any teammates to fall back on, now, I'm like an outcast. I don't belong anywhere. I guess it's gonna happen anyway. Is it because I'm quiet or weird ? Sigh. I shall stop then. I won't say anything else. All I'm left with is my imagination. You know, I've always put friends before families. I don't know why. But. I think I shall stop. I am a strong girl. I will stop myself from getting too close to anyone anymore. I know I said once. I mean it this time. No one. Will change my mind. I'm sticking to simplicity. I like it the way it was. I will just go one side and emo. I propose a toast. To my miserable life. I will emo all the way. Don't be surprised if you see cuts. It's just a matter of time. I can't stand myself. I don't understand why I do the things I do. It's a matter of time. You'll see. I'll slowly disappear. Nobody would care. My thoughts. All saved up. The only person I'd talk to is my sis. She's annoying, but she's there for me. Forever. I will be there and talking to her.

Sigh. She's an outlet for me. I won't feel bad if I continue to talk to her. She's like. My diary. I love her. Without her, I couldn't have survived. I've always thought friends were important. Tsk. I was too naive. They're nothing but trouble. All I need is someone to just get in groups with. I don't want your sympathy or pity if you want to be friends with me. I am who I am. Let me be, even if I die trying. Or at least, don't pity me.

Honestly speaking, I hate some people. One person I hate is my cousin. Tsk. Stupid. I hate her. Why ? Well, she came from Indonesia. Not that I look down on her, but she can't speak English so WHY CAN'T YOU LEARN ? ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING. I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE ALL THE TIME FOR YOU TO TRANSLATE. FUCK NO. I AM NOT YOUR DAMN TRANSLATOR. YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS COUNTRY, BETTER BUCK UP. But to put it nicely, learn some words. Cause who wants to go out and talk all the time in Hokkien ? Dude. I am 14 not 60. I CAN speak English. Don't make me seem so low and uncivilised. And heck no. I hate helping people take pictures. Or be in the pictures. Don't act lah horh. Stomach so small, always say so fucking big. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. People slim down a bit say stomach go small already and damn happy, then yours fucking small. WHAT IS WRONG. Tsk. Come to another country. Oh look. You never bring wallet, so you no money. Come here how long ? Almost 1 month. No money. And expect me to be your damn tour guide. What fuck. Make me miss my camp. FUCK. THANKS LAH HORH. Thanks to you, I couldn't stay overnight. Why ? Cause my mum say "Oh. Your cousin's here. Take care of her okay ? Don't go out. Go ask her out or something. " I know it's my school holidays, but IT'S MY LIFE. I DON'T CARE IF I'LL GO THERE ANOTHER TIME AND I'LL NEED TO STAY THERE. I'D RATHER DIE THANK YOU.

TSK. I'm done saying her. Sigh. This is one of the only ways I can express myself. Don't judge from what you read here. I know it might be offensive, but don't take it to heart. I am terrible, I know. I just need people to hear me out, without actually having to say my thoughts. I'm sorry. I am bad.

New school year just started. I will maintain more. I will play my volleyball better. But. I can't help it since everyone's like ignoring me. I need people who understand. Not to just accompaniment when you're bored. I don't want you to be a tool. I don't want to be a tool too. Treat others how you'd like to be treated upon. I guess, I've been quieter. I will get even more so. Sigh. I can't stop my way from thinking this way. When I worry about you, I will worry a lot and you shouldn't ignore me. I get paranoid easily.

As you can tell, I'm a jumble of emotions and bad habits. I'll keep myself sane, by blogging, writing, playing sports and making music. I am me. No one can change that.