It's December already.

Woah. Time passes so damn fast. Gasp. I wonder how many other people know that I've got a blog... Makes me wonder. Sigh. It's weird. Actually, I'm weird. While everybody else out there has got a blog for other people to see and read, I don't exactly want mine to be found. I guess I'm just that emo. Or maybe I have a small minded way of thinking... Anyway, today,  AMELIA GOT TWITTER ~~~ YAAAYYYYYY. Finally, she can do her own stalking ~~ :D Hahahaha. That's one thing to be happy about anyway. Sigh. I can't figure out why am I so emo. WHY AM I WEIRD. :( I'm goddamn weird.

It's December already. 11 months of the year gone. I spent most of it with a couple of friends from the other class. I thought, it was great. But no. I've learnt my lesson. I'm never going to be close to them ever again. I don't like them now. I thought they were my best friends. But there's a reason why it's called best friend. It means it's the best. Sigh. I told them before. My mum was against them. I will fall under influence easily. Guess what. I really did. And now, I really do hate you. To the core. I hate all softballers. I hate them to the fucking core. I can't mix with them. And I won't ever again. I will keep my distance. I've lost faith in having friends like this. It's just too different. I will not fall for the same trick or get hurt again. I don't like you or your friends. Now, I want you to leave me alone.

Sigh. I have always been the type to be nice to my friends, and I can and will be ruthless to my enemies. I don't like them. I will be nice to those who are nice to me. I will be nice to my friend's friend if I have to. I am the type to fall under influence easily. I will get influenced and will change my mind and viewpoint of you. But if I've told you, I'll be there for you, I will be. No matter what. But I don't like it when you ignore me when I try to cheer you up.

I'm just like that. I don't like you ignoring me. But if you really do, I will either put the anger and sadness into something else, or I will destroy something. In this case. I don't want to be your friend no more. This is complicated. I've lost faith in everything. But all I want to lead my own life, without you or your friends. I admit, I was regretful that we drifted, but now I don't. I know what I want. It's not you.

Emo posts are such a turn off. But I think this will be a long one. Now, moving on.

Volleyball. Love the sport. Losing the passion. I have had enough of the coach scolding me. I swear. It's a matter of time before I quit. I can't stand it, having him keep on scolding me. Do you think I want it to be this way ? I'm trying my best. But this is only the second year I'm learning to set. Do you understand that ? Do you think it's fucking easy to learn it ? Do you ? If you want to have a better setter, go ahead. I don't mind. Go ahead. Get your own setter. I don't wanna be either. I'm not your dog. Don't say I didn't try hard enough. I did. I tried my best. Sorry if my best wasn't enough for you. Go get another setter. Replace me. I'm used to it. I don't wanna play either. You're the worst coach ever. I hate you.

Instead of giving me hope, what do you give me ? You give me disappointment. You give me all the reasons why I should just quit right now. Why should I continue on something I worked so hard for but you don't appreciate either. It's like you're cooking something you took time and effort. Then you give it to someone who you care about. In the end, they tell you, "Oh. I've eaten. But I've tasted it. It tasted awful. Go throw it away, before it poisons somebody." How would you feel ? I feel terrible. I feel like I let down the team. I feel like I'm no longer important. I feel like I'm the person who brings everyone down. Why is it so difficult just to understand that what I did was my best ? I tried my hardest but it wasn't good enough. I swear, I have had enough of you scoldings. Why is it that you can't just appreciate me or tell me slowly and praise me when I do well ? Even seeds get sunlight and warmth to grow. Why is it I only get darkness and rain ? Tell me, is it fair ? I used to take pride that I am one of the more experienced players. Now ? I just think how useless I am, how I am disposable, how irritating and stubborn I am. Thanks for making me feel this way, coach. Thank you. Now my self-esteem is gone and I don't know how to face my teammates. I feel like a jerk and yet it wasn't based on my own choice. Thanks a lot.

Sigh. This is one depressing post. Anyway, to sum it up, I am no longer on good terms with softballers, I hate myself for playing volleyball and I now have low self-esteem. There you have it. My life story.

Now, I am like crying. Cause I feel so damn upset. Thinking about so many things. My mind just won't leave me alone. Sigh. Forget it. Must force myself to be happy.

The happy things... I went to Indonesia. For church stuff. I ate a lot. Ate my childhood favourites. :) And I like a girl. I am an official butch. There. I said it. Damn. I want a girlfriend to cherish, to love, to care and to protect. :) Hahahahah. Cheering myself up by thinking about her. (CHECKED) :D Hahahaha. Oh well.

This is one long post. I'm done ranting now. Hahaha. Goodbye bloggers. For now