Volleyball and Life.

Volleyball is my damn life. And yet, I'm growing to hate it. Or maybe I'm just losing the passion. Sigh. I am just that bad of a person. I used to feel guilty if I skip training. But now, all I want is to skip. There's something definitely wrong with me. Sigh. I am wrong in so many ways. Look. I loved it. But now... I don't know. I feel like. I'm so useless in the sport. So, why bother anymore. I just am not worthy of the team. Why would anyone want to play with me ? I'm selfish, annoying, rather awkward, irresponsible and useless. Why am I still playing this ? My teammates train harder than me. What can I do ? Get scolding, be stubborn , even though it ain't any of my choice. Am I really that bad ? Can I just jump down from a building and die ? No one would even care anyway. So why bother living ? My mum also say how great would it be if we all dies faster. Well, I want that. Right now.

And yes. I think suicidal thoughts sometimes. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a weak person. I should try dying soon, so that the volleyball team can play normally, my family has one less disappointment and one less mouth to feed, as well as friends who don't have to put up with me anymore. I just can't do anything right. I want to help. I don't want to go. I don't want to face the coach or the team. I don't like. I just wanna stay home and cry. I'm a girl. Can I skip trainings for once ? I just want to take a break. Please. Let me be who I want to be, not some robot to be controlled my the damn coach, or be the one the team always depends on. Why must it be me ? I'd rathe just play normally. With my primary school friends. No pressure, just fun. Why can't I just have fun. Is that so wrong ? I don't want come for trainings. I want to go there to play volleyball with my friends.

Yes yes. I will not bring my emotions. All that's left of me, is an empty void of nothingness. Just leave me here. I'm an empty shell. Just step on me like you would. Pick me up, then throw me into the sea. You know that he waves would eventually bring me back to you anyway. It's just a matter of time before I sink. I'm sick and tired of everybody. I just want to die. And I'm 14. I know I need help. But. I'm afraid. I'm a loser. I'm a disappointment. I'm a mistake. A failure. A useless person. why can't I do anything right ? Please. Just let me be myself. Leave me alone. I can be whoever I wanna be. And tomorrow, I choose to be emo. I lost my happiness. I'm nothing. I'd run in front of a car right now to get into an accident. But all I cannot do, is let an innocent person feel the guilt throughout their life, knowing that they killed a girl.

My friends don't need me. They have other friends. My parents don't need me. They've got my younger sister. My teachers don't need me. They have smarter children to be proud of. My teammates don't need me. They have substitutes. So tell me why I should live and not kill myself ? By being dead, I consume less food, water, oxygen and space. Why would anyone want me ? I'm the worst thing that happened to this world. I failed as a child, I failed as a team player, I fail as a friend, I fail as a student, I fail as a human. Why bother trying so hard anymore ? People would only scold me and hurt me with words. I take them into deep consideration. Why won't you just think about what you say ? I'm better off dead. Many people are in need of organs as well. They can have mine. I'll be doing a great job. I can send the leftovers after organ transplants to be used for science. What else could I do ? I can do do much better dead than alive. So why bother living ?